Archive for July, 2010

Here I am once again in this cold dark room
Lying on the floor naked, facing my morbid doom
I looked back on the days we used to share
Trying to relight the fire, leaving my wounds bare
From opportunities lost, moments I didn’t dare

Trapped in the realm of melancholic bliss
By illusions, I savor the sweetness of thy kiss
Images of a long forgotten past blinded me
As I held on broken promises of eternity
Yet I know it’ll never come, so I have to set me free

These tears won’t change a thing
Even if I curse this painful poetry love brings
I’ve done my best to win his heart back
Yet I was slapped by a pitiful fact
His soul is nowhere to be found, his heart is black

It’s hard for me to defeat all things wonderful
To face a life that used to be colorful
But I must go to satisfy my needs
Though I’m confused to where my path leads
This is my curse, my soul on tears do feed

My lovely one, I’m going now
I’ll let go of illusions, our broken vows
To forever, may you find happiness
And the arms where you’ll find sweet caress
And I… To confine in this total darkness

© CMN

~~

Saying goodbye is sometimes the most sensible thing to do. For you can never pick up something greater, unless you lose grip of the thing that stabs you.

Someone captured my heart and gave me smiles
We’ve been close and friends for quite a while
I gave up my heart and loved him secretly
Though I know a friend to him I’ll always be

Came in sweet mornings and warm afternoons
I never thought goodbye would come too soon
I didn’t know I would ever fall in love this hard
My sanity faltered, my emotions now are marred

Smiles and laughters we shared as time passed us by
I cannot control my heart no matter how hard I try
Came in a feeling I cannot breach, a love I cannot contain
A force that cripples my soul with a love he can’t sustain

All things come to an end, to a farewell and goodbye
A situation we have to face, though we break down and cry
The end is near and our half-waking dawned upon us
He would walk away leaving memories made to last

Though I wish for him to be with me and stay
I know he wouldn’t for it is destined for him to go away
He would carry with him a love I’ll forever possess
A love, though I gave up my all, he failed to express

As he walk out the door, my heart weeps
His goodbye and memories, stabbing my soul deep
I wish that without him I would endure the toil
Though I’m dying, for I’m losing a piece of my soul

© CMN

~~~

No matter how much we deny it, people from our past would remain rooted in our hearts. We may have said goodbye, we may cease to communicate, but the memories of them once passing by our lives would stay etched in our soul.

If I were a rose,
I would bloom independently.
Yet even flowers needed sunlight,
And you are my sun…

If I were my heart’s song,
I would ring the words out loud.
But songs are merely words if without music,
And you are my melody…

If I were my poetry,
I would be just words devoid of truth.
A masterpiece can only become one if the poet’s heart beats,
And you are my life…

And in as much as I wanted to run away from you,
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t bloom, I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t write,
For you are my sun, my melody, my life…

I could be brave enough to break free,
And then pretend each day that I am alright.

Maybe I could,
If only I were strong enough to stand.

©CMN

~~~~

Longing. It’s what makes most break ups difficult. Oftentimes, we fool ourselves thinking that we love the person and we are bound to keep them in our lives. Some, after separation, try so hard to win the other back. But then, what we don’t realize is that the feeling that haunts us is no longer love, but of longing. In relationships, we get obsessed with the idea of being in love that we grab a chance to make it right once there is a threat for us to lose it. And when we do, we do all sorts of moves just to have it back. We long for the feeling so much, and not the person.

Right now, I feel that very thing. I long for some things that I used to do, used to share with another soul, and I miss the romanticism of love. I miss the walks under the moonlit sky, the smell of roses, the movies, holding hands, and everything cliche about love. Then, my maturity swallows these thoughts away as I think about responsibility entailed on a long-term relationship like the one I have now. I could not bring the feelings back, but I can re-create experiences with the person I am with today. And yes, that is something I have to look forward to. It kills the longing and replaces it with anticipation, knowing that tomorrow will be something better.

I will remember you
as the person I have once loved
and hated…

I will remember you
as the soul who cradled me in his sweetness
who killed me by his bare hands
and let me resurrect in drying tears…

I will remember you
as a vivid memory
which faded as all colours drained from my world
leaving me an old photograph…

I will remember you
as a painter’s palette filled with shades and hues
slowly drying
and gently cracking…

I will remember you
as a lovely melody sung by my stupid heart
slowly fading into the night…

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~~

We all fall in love, lose it, then fall in love again. For some peculiar reasons, nostalgia hit me and I started to wonder about my past relationships. I wonder where they are now, what happened to them, and how time changed them. I can’t imagine how I went through some difficult and complicated ones, and even on how I let good ones slip out of my grasp. I also realized that the heartaches I have gone through just made me a better individual. Whatever I learned from my past, I carried to my present relationship (making it the strongest and worth keeping). I am just thankful that they became parts of my life, as I would never be where I am at without them…

Coming Home

Posted: 23/07/2010 in Poetry
Tags: , , ,

She lay naked.
Frozen.
Against the lonely sheet that cradles her…

Her wrists, stained with blood,
Palms barely moved,
Lips lost its mystic rouge.
Eyes stared at an empty space
Devoid of emotions.
Heart beating faintly,
And she is about to lose grip to all life.

Until he came
And marveled at her beauty.
He sighed with guilt,
He wiped her solid tears,
And let his lips touch hers.

Her body softened
Upon receiving warmth from his love.
And he carried her
On the path going back.
Despite the track being covered with stones and thorns,
He walked,
Enduring each stabbing piece.
His bare feet slowly becoming soaked in his own blood.

And at last,
After a seemingly endless journey,
They are coming home…

©CMN

Notes: This poem is a follow up to “Her Dying Day”.

On the floor were photographs
Articles they used to share
Broken images from the past…
Where she found a solitary bliss
And left her heart…

She lay in the middle of the cold room
While her soul floats in oblivion…
Arms opened wide
Deceiving herself someone lays there with her…
She stared at the ceiling
Pain, confusion, despair
All were written in her eyes
Together with her drying tears…

Her lips were pale,
Quivering,
Barely breathing…

Her cheeks lost its captivating rouge
Her face felt cold…

Her body lay naked,
Without a sign of life…

Her wrists where blood fountains
Were torn
As she held the knife which killed her…

Then I came in
Too late to save her
For she is already dead…

And his name is on her lips.

©CMN

♫♪ “Fear of rejection kept my love inside… ‘Cause I’ve got no fear of losin’ you, you can’t lose what you never had” ~Westlife ♫♪

He is a happy person who radiates a feeling of warmth to people around him. At least, that is how I see him. We have been in the same workplace for more than two years, spent some time together out of work, and we even have moments wherein we would just sit down and talk about anything that we can think of. During our low moments, when he says he is there, we know for certain that he is. I like him being that way. Not until he fell in love (at least, that is how he call it). It could have been easy for us to push him to chase that person’s attention. But he is not the straight guy (believe me, if not for his bright yellow skinny pants, you would not figure it out) and he fell in love with a guy. He suddenly changed. His smiles are not as sincere as they were, his laughters somehow sounds fake, and he is wearing this mask all along. Maybe it is my sensitivity to people which made me distinguish the uncanny state that he is in.

One thing I know is that he is in pain. They are not friends (acquaintances perhaps, but when I say friends, I am talking about something deeper), but they know each other. They are Facebook friends, but they never exchange a single form of interaction. Yet, he feels pain every time he sees him. Pain maybe because he knows that liking that person meant that the feeling would never be reciprocated, or maybe because he is afraid of being rejected. Or moreso, he is afraid that when he finds out, the next thing he would get is the who-are-you type of treatment from the person he likes. We once told him to go take the risk, let him know and be ready for the consequences. But then, while writing this and putting myself at his shoes, I suddenly realized that it is indeed hard for him.

How would you look at someone straight in the eye and tell that person you love him while at the back of your mind you know that he wanted someone who is 100% different than you are? How would you tell someone how you feel without worrying if he would laugh at you, much worse, ignore you? How would you tell yourself  that you can take the risk and live with the consequences when in reality, just the thought of losing him drives you crazy? Would you face the aftermath? Would you chase the feeling? Now, those are questions I even had a hard time answering. And let us face it, we cannot push him to risk it all. The only thing he can do is change the way he feel about the situation. Go out there and be thankful that he happened in his life.

I know that he will eventually read this and I don’t know what his reaction would be. After my attempt to understand what could have possibly been the cause of his unusual behavior,  I began to see things I haven’t considered before. Now, instead of teasing him how a scaredy-cat he is, I would just keep my “words of wisdom” (as he calls it) plain and simple. “Savor the moment while it’s there in your heart and be thankful that it happened. Yet, there are perspectives that he needs  to think about and in my attempt to keep it plain and simple, see the list below.

> Love is not just because you find the person attractive and ideal. It is also about embracing one’s imperfections and coping up with one’s “being human”. – I know it sounds cliche. I have read this a million times before. But its true. We can never say we love someone if all we feel is just some sort of physical attraction. Remember that love is not just about how you two look good together, its also about feeling so right for each other, despite the smell of his feet, the way he farts, and the funny sound of his burp.

> It is a part of human nature to want something we can’t have. – Do you really want to be with that person or do you see him as a challenge? A trophy you can be proud of. (I  know that it is the former, but we can’t stop people from believing it’s the latter).

> Love all you want, but leave some fragments for yourself. – When love fails, at least you have little seeds of love you can plant and nurture.

> We tend to love, then hate the thing we love the most. Destroy it, then love it again. – Enjoy the feeling and don’t let it change you. Because when the day comes that you realized that you fell so much in love with the idea of being in love, you would alter your behavior that would thwart the real you.

> Things happen for a reason, people are brought to your life so they can serve a lesson. – That is one thing that would be very difficult for you to fathom. Just always remember that God speaks to you in all ways possible, so be open to whatever things would transpire as it is surely a way for God to mold you to become a better person.

Maybe, it is not just him who is experiencing a love that they cannot seem to have. We all passed by a stage in our lives when our northern star seemed unreachable. The lesson is, listen to the experience and trust that it will mold you to become a better person. Do not hold back, love all you want. Never expect. Just be thankful that it happened to you and make the most of it.  As I close, I think about what the song is all about… Maybe it is what cripples us from loving and enjoying the feeling, FEAR. Again, if we love someone and the person rejects us, it doesn’t mean we lost the person. The person was an instrument for us to feel how wonderful what love is. Them stepping in our lives is enough for us to tell ourselves that we can keep them (maybe not physically, but the lesson they gave and the part they played) in our lives.

(This part goes out to you, my dear friend:) I know you are hurting, I could feel it. But you can always look at things in a different perspective, and eventually, you can change what you feel about your situation. You said you know you don’t have the right to be hurt since he is not yours anyway. By all means, you are rightful of the feeling,- whether that may be love, joy , or pain – it is for you to own. No one said it is wrong. We are just here.

© CMN