“Why does love hurts so bad?”

I got this as a text message from a friend and it made me smile. Maybe because I have asked the question myself, or maybe because I heard people ask the same question more than a dozen times. The question feels like cold water trickling down my skin – the feeling it yields is so strange and so familiar. I myself haven’t found the exact answer, but after all the love I had and lost, I had certain reasons why.

1. When we love, we expect to be loved the same.

When we enter a relationship, we start to care about the other, alter our behavior in our attempt to keep the other feeling special and loved. We start to do things out of the ordinary just to send across the message that the other is a significant part of our lives. We get so accustomed to providing that kind of treatment until we burn out and start looking for the same. And when we do, things get more complicated.We start to expect that the other would do the things we do for them, we expect them to alter their behavior just the same – for us to have an assurance that we are loved and appreciated. Expecting then becomes demanding. We demand that the other allot this much in the relationship without considering the fact that people show love differently. And then you would start thinking that the other cannot reciprocate the love that you’re giving (at least not in the way you want him/her to).

We must realize that people doesn’t express love in similar ways. We must understand that whatever the other does for us, though sometimes we feel like it’s not enough, is a sign of their love for us. In the end, it’s not what they do that hurts us, it is our frustration that does. We are frustrated because we expect that they would change for us.

2.We love with all our hearts.

Love the other with all our hearts and never expect anything in return. We all think that it is the right thing to do, but it’s not. We need to understand that when we love someone, we must save some for ourselves.

Do not give all the love you have so that you can keep your concept of love, and like a tree, let it grow fruits and share those fruits of love with someone. You must love yourself enough if in case things fall apart. Because when love fails and you didn’t leave anything for yourself, it is certain that you would end up feeling a certain void, a vortex that would eventually suck you up in pits of oblivion. If, however, you kept some of that love, you would have something to start with, and when the imaginary wounds heal, something to share again.

3. We live in fear, and we stay away from that which haunts us the most.

It may be because of past experiences that we hold back from any chance at love. You are afraid that things would happen one more time, you might end up hurt or defeated in the end. Believe me, I have been through this. At one point, a seemingly perfect love would pass and make you the happiest person alive, only to kill you once it ends.

This makes it so hard to try again when there is a chance. Your fears eat you up and makes you deny the feeling, and in the process deny yourself and of your capacity to love.Pain comes in self-denial. Love is not just about holding hands, candlelit dinners, and wine and roses. It is also about taking risks. And the more you stay away from it, the more it will haunt you – the more you wonder what it feels like to be with the person.

4.We always think we are irreplaceable.

When the relationship ends, either you two remain friends or not. If it is the former, you would eventually follow each other’s lives. In the process, there is a small portion of you that would think that he/she would be unable to see someone better than you. But when the time comes that he/she found someone else, jealousy eats you up from the inside. You may say you’re happy for him/her, but your self-worth will come gnawing at your pride.

What you have to do is to accept the fact that you two are meant to be with someone else. You may have played roles in each other’s lives that may be hard to understand, you may have taught the person life lessons and he/she might have done the same, but in the end you must realize that he/she was an instrument God used to prepare you for the next one.

5. We are scared of letting go.

Instead of explaining, I’ll use this analogy: Love is like a rock, you find it pretty and you hold on too it so tight that it would begin stabbing your hands. Then you look at it, torn between letting it go or holding on to it. It looks so pretty on your hands so you decided to hold on to it, allowing it to stab you one more time, and let you lose more blood.

Can you not let go of that rock and let the wound heal in time? Because if you do, you would be able to cleanse that rock and identify the sharp edges that wounded you, so that next time you find another rock, you would know the type to look for. And also, the next time you hold on to a rock, you’ll know how to hold on to it tight enough so it would not fall, and gentle enough so that it would not stab you.

I wish I was able to learn these things a couple of years back, so I would have spared myself some pain. But I realized that my past experiences were strategically designed to prepare me for what lies ahead, and made me value what I have now. Freedom from expectations, selflessness, fear, narcissism, and nostalgia made all the difference. Love is beautiful and we are fated to savor it.



Let me also share a post I stumbled on in here… One from Udi the Psychic. It reminded me of Gibran and his book that I read when I was sixteen, and it is something that reminded me that love is not about the romanticism of it.

  1. Rebecca C says:

    Great post. I agree with all the points you made.


  2. xxochoaxx says:

    TAMA… basta dont be bitter and revengeful dont give in to emotions.. remember the things that made you happy with the person yun lang.. if they want to leave let them.. 🙂 what i do is i dont ask questions anymore the truth will only bring despair.. 🙂 let them be if they will be happy good for them if they come back think about it not with heart but with your brains.. 🙂


    • chaspalette says:

      Thanks for the thoughts.

      One thing that I realized is that pain is a natural agent of life to remind us that we are humans. And yes, you are right. Don’t cry that it’s over, be happy that it happened…


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