Melancholy Sweep

Posted: 23/08/2010 in Random Thoughts
Tags: ,

Vulnerable. Fragile.

It seems like no matter how strong-willed or how tough a person is, there would always be a time that one would feel susceptible to melancholy – and even pain. There would be a point in time when all strength seem so surreal, so out of reach. And oftentimes, you just want to break down in one corner, sit still, hug yourself and cry as there is no form of comfort that can make you feel okay, inside and out.

I have those moments, and I guess this is one of them. Everything seems so out of place, everything seems not to work they are supposed to be. I asked myself whether that was my fault or of someone else.

But try as I could, the answer boils down to no other than me. It was my fault that I focused so much on the pain, it was my fault that I gave up the possibility of me being able to mend the broken pieces together. It was my fault that I am sending this melancholy to the universe so I can’t blame it for sending loneliness back to me. But hey, I could not help it. There are a couple of reasons why it is hard to focus to the light…

I am beginning to miss some people – those who mean a lot to me. I miss the time when I still have them with me, I miss the moments when everything seems so right because I have someone to turn to, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who can look at me deeply with neither apathy nor judgement; only compassion. I long for the days when they would just look at me and bore into my soul, offer words of wisdom, a comforting touch, and then everything seemed to be okay. I feel sorry that their re-union with the creator made them lost to me forever.

I terribly miss some special fragments of my soul, friends and some love that I have lost. I long for my friends’ undying support and understanding, the silly laughters, and the responsibility-free acts that we carry out. (Though I know that we all have grown up and there are things that we can never bring back, only reminisce on).  I miss the feeling of young love (yes, the feeling and not the people). I miss romantic interludes, holding hands, staring at each other’s eyes, moonlit walks, and silly musings. I miss the romanticism of a young heart, I really do.

I  look at myself in the mirror and I could not deny the fact that I have gained so much – including flesh, and I look as homely as ever (is it just my vanity that makes me think so, I don’t know). It is depressing to know that I have been working on eliminating some and yet they seem to be etched in my skin that they won’t go away. It pains me to recognize that the dieting, the work-outs, and all seems not to be working. And I hate it when close friends rub it in my face. As if the epitome of being a true woman is to be as skinny and brainless as they seem to me. As if the person within is nothing compared to the person being physically seen.

I look at my paycheck and realize that it is somehow not commeasurate to the amount of work that I am doing. My progress seems so slow, my career seems to be so stuck. And I still feel terrible being held responsible for other’s negligence, of others’ refusal to do their share of the job. I feel bad that I am taking ownership of everything I could, while some others shrug their shoulders of, causing our downfall.

Yeah, I know. Neale Donald Walsch said one time: “Happiness is a state of mind, all states of mind reproduce themselves”. I guess I just have to turn the table and look at things differently. What I needed to do is get out of this melancholy crap, and send a positive thought to the universe so that it can send it back to me three-fold. Just let me hang on.

© CMN

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