A few friends gave me the impetus to write about goodbyes and a James Blunt song (Goodbye My Lover) made me think about closures (or the lack of it). For some reasons, the thought co-existed with the burning melancholy soaking my soul, and the pain it reminds me of made me sink deeper.

In my life, I passed by a couple of relationships. I saw the uncanny way love blossoms, blooms, wilts, and dies. I’ve hurt some people, and I have felt pain too. I walked out of some lives – by choice and by force. And I witnessed how one or two walked away from me – without looking back. The experiences I had made me attempt so hard on avoiding the words “goodbye”, “farewell”, and “the end” treating them like plagues. And the pain made me understand why people in relationships tend to do the same.

There was a point in time that I have lost a love so deep that I can literally felt the pain of the break-up creeping in my veins. I nearly destroyed myself at one point in time, thinking that life will never be the same without that person. During that time, I felt like my soul died. I lost my soul on my own labyrinthine maze, and I allowed it to drift on an endless ocean of tears and misery. Until one hand pulled me up and carried me home. It was when I realized the truths about goodbyes.

I learned that goodbyes are designed to complete us and not to break us. The irony of it is that we focus so much on the pain, on the delusion that the person and the love he gave was something worth keeping, and we failed to realize that the gift of separation means that they have done their mission – that is to touch our lives and teach us life’s lessons. I learned that goodbyes is a way of God to make us stronger, make us realize the things that we have to improve on, make us strive harder to become a better person – as He wants us to prepare for that something big that He has in store for us.

Gibran once said that “pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”. And indeed it’s true. The pain cracked me, and made me see the person that I wanted to be, it made me see the person that I am. And thus, the pain allowed me to rise and struggle to become one with myself. I stopped complaining (at least, most of the time) and learned to accept that things are just not going to work the way they are supposed to. And no matter how much we try to keep them, people will play a role in our lives, but they are not always designed to stay.

It is really hard to look at goodbye on that perspective, I know. But that is one esoteric truth on human existence, and we cannot change that. It is the way it is supposed to be.

Closures. I hate the feel of the word. I saw how people craved for this, especially for people who left a relationship hanging. People who had been with open-ended relationships sought it, as they thought they needed it for them to be able to move on. But I think otherwise.

When the person stopped caring, when the person stopped loving, when the person walked away – we should call it the end. They left you hanging because they could never be brave enough to end it themselves. Yes, it would hurt for a while and would make you feel lied to and cheated on, because closures are designed that way – to inflict more suffering and more tension to the human emotions. These people leaving should be enough reason for us to figure out that they have done their part in our self-realization. And we do not need expose the wounds and hurt ourselves in the process. Set them free. Thank the universe that it happened and pick up your broken pieces along with the lessons you should learn out of the experience.

It is not as difficult as it seems. It can happen to you, the way it happened to me. Acceptance. That’s a start. Accept the reality and accept the situation. Admit to yourself that you made mistakes, and correct them by making sure that you would not do it in your next relationships. Whatever you learned from the person, carry it with you with no remorse. When you accepted it, it will be easier for you to set them free. And since they are the source of your pain, removing them in your life would also make the pain go away.

Do not be afraid of closing doors, nor being trapped in one. Closing doors means a conscious effort of being a better person, and opening closed ones is a way of liberating yourself to become a grander version of who you are. Either way, you have to make a move, just like I did. And with that move, I can never be any more than happy.

© CMN

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