Archive for October, 2010

I’ve pledged for a love to last forever
Without knowing that my soul would falter
Without thinking that death might be my last
As this love kills the bitter past

Every crevice of my soul felt satisfied
As the heavens and our love conspired
Each need, each craving, each longing, each fantasy
Was sated and answered by love’s reality

My soul then knew the reason why it survived
Every painful victimizing laid off by life
To astounding worlds this soul is taken
Where new feelings, new needs were awakened

This soul would never know
What love would use to kill her tomorrow

©CMN

My tears are falling on the words you wrote to me
I wish that somehow they could take me where I wanna be
It seems so long ago, you held me when I cried
For now I just pretend you’re by my side,
– Emma Bunton, “A World Without You”

It rarely happens. The last time it did was a couple of years ago when I lost someone who mean so much to me. Apparently, today was one of those rare moments that I feel the urge of drowning in all emotions that I always have supressed. Too much joy, too much pain, too much love, too much grief… You name it, I have it.. I don’t know, but the last couple of days had been hell crazy for me. I asked myself, what are the factors that lead me to feeling this? Work-related matters, check. Family issues, check. Relationship issues, check. What pushed me to the edge? Sad love songs that brought back old memories, some sad movies that showed me how much I miss my birth parents and how much I crave for something that would never come back, I see pictures of things I missed and things I wanted to be and it drives the stake to my heart deeper.

I just find myself looking back at my life. It sounds crazy to do it at 24, yet attempting to do so showed me enough. Enough happiness to remain sane, enough pain to keep me human, enough mistakes for me to learn, enough grief to remind me to value others, enough hardships to allow me to continually struggle to become a better and grander version of myself. I look back and I see the things I have accomplished at this early age,  and it is enough reason for me to be happy once more.

I have always been so hard on myself, I realized. I was a perfectionist (am I still one, I don’t really know). I tend to beat myself up if I make mistakes. But now, I know better. I see mistakes as an opportunity for me to experiment. Mistakes are there to show me the possibilities, cause that is what I have been missing in a long while…

I am done with curling up myself in a ball of emotions – negative and positive. I am so done with feeling sorry for myself. For now, I would spread my wings, and attempt to soar up high…

© CMN