Archive for December, 2010

In a few hours the year 2010 will end. For some, it is another passing of the year, a change in times. For some, like me, the end of this year marks a new beginning. Before I close the year, let me look back on the year that passed and sum up what makes me feel blessed this 2010. As always, these ramblings would say it all.

> Started the year by celebrating my birthday with two of my most loved females. The actual day of my birthday was spent with my family and closest friend who, with me, prayed for a better year for me.
>  My brother lived with me for a couple of months. I had been far away from him for too long and the experience made me see how much I have missed, and how much I can give just to make things better for him, my sister and me. It made me work double time, whilst I have assumed the responsibility to mold and guide them.
> My sister (whom I sent to college) graduated in April. It was one of my greatest achievements. Well, who would have thought I can do it? Next stop would be sending my brother off to college.
> I got to see old HS friends I haven’t seen in 8 years. We were able to mend old friendships and strengthen existing ones. There I realized that no matter how far we run, there would always be people that you would have to go back to to make you reflect on how far you have gone and how much you have grown.
> I had a near-death experience when I drowned back in May. It was in Quezon Province, and I was swimming when I noticed that the I cannot reach the floor anymore, and I panicked. From that experience, I saw two people overcoming their fears, laying their lives on the line just to save me. It was traumatic. I thank God for what seems to me now as a second life.
> I was able to have a nature trip in Bohol, Philippines with the family. It was all new experience for me as it was my first time to ride a plane, to cross a hanging bridge, to snorkel, and a lot more. It was a totally stress-free weekend.
> Talking about my carreer, I could say I have grown a lot. From an agent to a level two agent, to a Call Monitoring Specialist. The movement is overwhelming, sometimes too surreal, but I am happy that it was a positive movement. Not only that, from work I got to have more than salary and conceptual learnings. From my workplace, I found some inspiration – people I look up to so that I could strive harder, and friends.
> Last month of December is my turning point. I got to see someone from my past and was able to mend old wounds, and set myself free from the guilt that was gnawing at me for half a decade. It izmade me realize things and made me appreciate things and people I already have.

This is too short, too brief. Some events were not even added here. To sum up, 2010 gave me learnings, realizations, and brought me one level up. Now it makes me wish for a better 2011.

_____
© CMN

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He walked towards her nervously.
She stands infront of him,
wearing that smile that mesmerized him years ago – until now-,
her eyes looking at him, boring into his soul.
She walked towards him, his chest heaving, muscles tensing.

Ah – that swing of neck.
The gracious movements of her arms, the sway of her hips.
All takes him back to the days
when she was his.

How long has it been? How many years had he counted?
He could no longer remember.
All he knows is that no matter how long,
his heart still belongs to her, from then until always.

She said hi, and hugs him.
Oh, her voice that seems like muses singing a song of peace,
Her arms holding him makes him cradled by insanity.
He hugged her back, breathing her in.
That sweet scent of warm vanilla fills his nose,
intoxicating him.
She felt so soft and fragile in his arms,
like how she was an eternity ago.

Oh! He missed her.
He missed  her genuine smiles, her soft chuckles, and frantic laughters.
He missed the way she looks at him.
Oh God, he missed everything about her.
Now she stands infront of him, no longer a figment of his imagination.
He can’t help but hug her once more, which she reciprocated.

They sat down and talked, and he can’t help but look at her.
He smiled at her, she took his hand…
At her touch, he succumbed to lunacy.

She kissed him. He kissed her back.
Her soft lips still tastes like aged wine.
He held her close to him, uttering gratitude to the Holy Ghost,
she held him passionately.
Ah – he loved the way his body fit perfectly to hers.
Yin and yang, they are,
as their souls sang in unison and their freedom exalts them to the heights of their passion

They kissed and touched, ravaging at each other.
As if their hunger is insatiable, as if life depended on the other.

Then, in a blink of an eye, she changed.
Her kisses no longer taste of wine, became stale.
Her hugs that cradled his soul seemed distant.
Her movements that seemed were his, became foreign to him…
Everything became different, when reason started to sink in.

He looked at her eyes, they were no longer brown, but green.
In her eyes, he tried to locate the soul who owned his heart,
but she is no longer there.

She looks like her, but not like her.
She seemed like a monster staring back at him –
one that he created by virtue of the pain he caused her.
Deep within the soul were guilt, jealousy, lies.
And as he tried to listen to the beating of her heart, its music is no longer the same.
The thud sounded like anger, of revenge.
The heart that once sang of his name began reverberating someone else’s tune.
She is her, but not her.

Upon realizing that he was used,
that she is gone forever,
he stood up.
Looked at her one last time and wiped a tear from his eyes,
he took steps away from her.

Now he is no longer guilty, as his mistakes were forgiven.
He no longer feels regret knowing that she became someone he can’t see himself with.
His heart can only hope that one day he would find her,
the real her.
Yet again, her hands were also stained,
she gave up and succumbed to the void within her.

He walked away with no remorse now,
because she is her, but not her.

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~
Was he me or was I her?

Author’s note: This poem won “The Celebrate Poet of 2010” via Jingle’s Thursday Poetry Rally. (Thanks Ji, it is always a pleasure.)

Celebrate Poet of 2010


He walked towards her nervously.
She stands infront of him,
wearing that smile that mesmerized him years ago – until now-,
her eyes looking at him, boring into his soul.
She walked towards him, his chest heaving, muscles tensing. 

 

Ah – that swing of neck.
The gracious movements of her arms, the sway of her hips.
All takes him back to the days
when she was his.

How long has it been? How many years had he counted?
He could no longer remember.
All he knows is that no matter how long,
his heart still belongs to her, from then until always.

She said hi, and hugs him.
Oh, her voice that seems like muses singing a song of peace,
Her arms holding him makes him cradled by insanity.
He hugged her back, breathing her in.
That sweet scent of warm vanilla fills his nose,
intoxicating him.
She felt so soft and fragile in his arms,
like how she was an eternity ago.

Oh! He missed her.
He missed  her genuine smiles, her soft chuckles, and frantic laughters.
He missed the way she looks at him.
Oh God, he missed everything about her.
Now she stands infront of her, no longer a figment of his imagination.
He can’t help but hug her once more, which she reciprocated.

They sat down and talk, and he can’t help but look at her.
He smiled at her, she took his hand…
At her touch, he succumbed to lunacy.

She kissed him. He kissed him back.
Her soft lips still tastes like aged wine.
He held him close to him, uttering gratitude to the Holy Ghost,
she held him passionately.
Ah – he loved the way his body fit perfectly to hers.
Yin and yang, they are,
as their souls sang in unison and passion exhalts them to the heights of passion…

They kissed and touched, ravaging at each other.
As if their hunger is insatiable, as if life depended on the other.

Then, in a blink of an eye, she changed.
Her kisses no longer taste of wine, became stale.
Her hugs that cradled his soul seemed distant.
Her movements that seemed were his, became foreign to him…
Everything became different, when reason started to sink in.

He looked at her eyes, they were no longer brown, but green.
In her eyes, he tried to locate the soul who owned his heart,
but she is no longer there.

She looks like her, but not like her.
She seemed like a monster staring back at him –
one that he created by virtue of the pain he caused her.
Deep within the soul were guilt, jealousy, lies.
And as he tried to listen to the beating of her heart, its music is no longer the same.
The thud sounded like anger, of revenge.
The heart that once sang of his name began reverberating someone else’s tune.
She is her, but not her.

Upon realizing that he was used,
that she is gone forever,
he stood up.
Looked at her one last time and wiped a tear from his eyes,
he took steps away from her.

Now he is no longer guilty, as his mistakes were forgiven.
He no longer feels regret knowing that she became someone he can’t see himself with.
His heart can only hope that one day he would find her,
the real her.
Yet again, her hands were also stained,
she gave up and succumbed to the void within her.

He walked away with no remorse now,
because she is her, but not her.

It is indeed melancholy that is cradling me right now. I don’t understand but for some reasons, the URLs of some old blogs came rushing in my head slowly swallowing me whole. I decided to check on them, and was surprised when I saw these poems written for me by someone from my past. As I read each word, old feelings overtake me, and I suddenly find myself crying in pain, knowing that the man behind these words is lost to me forever. The poems bring back painful memories, fragments of a happy past, of a love so deep and true, that I wasted.

(Note: I do not own any of these poems.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts of Love
The sunset has faded once more,
Gone are its radiant hues
That warmed the end of my day.
The darkness of night envelopes me.
The air is still, the quietness of evening deafening.

I sit and ponder the past and question the future.
Memories, thoughts, flooding my mind.
Just like a pond when a stone is cast upon it,
So are the rippling effects borne by my heart and soul.

The innocence of a child’s daydreams
Now are transformed into a woman’s world of
reality.
For so long I guarded my thoughts and feelings
Keeping them locked behind closed doors,
Allowing no one in.
You entered my world and became part of it.
I learned to trust someone as would a child,
And in doing so gave you the key.
A key that unlocked privacy secured for so long.
Fantasies became reality, untapped passions
unbridled.
A tenderness and gentleness I’d never known
Warmed and comforted me.
Finally I knew what it meant to be a woman.

With the dawn of each new day I am reminded
Of the warmth, the closeness we share.

An Angel Cared
Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
Muscles tensing, heart’s wrenching, longing for release
Walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
Frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
All color drains from my world, subtle shades of gray permeate
Broken shards cast illusions, hope falsely propagates
A former warrior, battle tested, I frantically disguise my fears
Resolve dissolves, nervousness abounds as my refuge disappears
As autumn’s cycle nears an end, the ice begins to advance
Stealthily attacking, patiently awaiting for a perfect chance
A frozen heart, desolate and bare, obscures all that would try to see
The warmth reflected, gives off no heat, illusions mask reality
On hands and knees, mumbling pleas, I search for sanctuary
To glimpse beyond this desolation, to a world of possibility
Eyes closed, perceptions peeked, it hovers beyond my reach
A whispered supplication, alone, these barriers I cannot breach
A gentle touch, delicate and warm, I feel her reach for me
Chasing back the shadows, an angel, cradles my sanity
Relaxing, drifting, smiling, I find comfort in her embrace
My savior and redeemer, a sassy smile upon her face
I close my eyes and search within, I’ll trust my instincts this time
I feel a heart of gold as her passion’s unfold, a beauty so sublime
Peace radiates from her body, a warmth soaks into my soul
A smile reflects a love so deep, my heart I cannot control
Illusions shimmer and are gone, my world is bright and true
Spring marches forth with determination as my life begins anew
To pass beyond is what I sought, but dreams do not compare
To the reality of this wonderland graced by an angel so fair
Dreams shared, rendezvous dared, we joined together as one
The bonds of my enslavement have been lifted, my battle finally won
No regrets can be found, my reflections bring no remorse
Love that binds, as the tendrils climbed lead me down this course
Peace and comfort fill my soul where once only chaos dared
Now love emanates, peace radiates, because an angel cared

As Days Flew By
The very first time I saw you,
Was special how we met.
You took me by complete surprise.
I knew my heart was set.

As days flew by, we talked again,
But you never seemed to care.
I tried my best to help you out,
By a favor here, or a favor there.

Although I made a fast approach,
Our friendship grew and grew.
I realized how deep I cared,
But the feeling I felt was new.

In time I became attached to you.
From a hug, I wouldn’t let go.
I soon saw how close we were,
And the feeling was good to know.

For you, I wrote sweet letters and songs.
You were on my mind all day.
The thought of sleeping was nowhere near,
Unless I knew you were okay.

It hit me then, what I was in –
A unique and precious love.
For the person I said was only mine,
Was an angel sent from above.

The minutes without you turned into days,
And the seconds with you flew fast.
I could only wish to see you more,
And make each moment last.

The times I spent with you,
Were what made my heart complete.
I knew one thing for sure,
Without you, my future was obsolete.

And now, we love just the same,
As it doubles day by day.
I stare deep into your precious eyes,
Yet I’m still speechless to what I should say.

With you, I’m in a whole new world.
You bring out the best in me.
It’s hard to picture you not there,
When you taught me who to be.

Yes, the road ahead gets hard,
When things may only seem rough.
But because you and I try so much,
We’ll stay strong and get by tough.

Though problems may lie ahead someday,
And either of us could be right;
I promise to always be by your side,
And I promise my heart, so hold it tight.

And so, each night, beside my bed,
When there’s only bright stars to see;
I pray that we may never give up,
And will always remain you and me.

Where is My Lovely One?
With her smile and swing of neck,
back – look as goodbye,
steals the evening joytrail.
Like a plane in the sky,
to holiday, summer away.
A clear blue sky
in the summer evening.

Where does she move and how?
When she goes to someone else
does she move like that too?
or do they see that.

It is a lovely thing to fall,
fall, fall in love.
in love with a girl,
enchanted lips of smiles,
and happy eyes of light,
not even Anthony saw in
Cleopatra this shine.

Twenty seven kisses,
for twenty seven days,
of this months meeting,
in her arms, empty and emptied.

Twenty seven roses for my love.
Love, a prism of crystal light
a rainbow through a glass
refracting colour light, bright.

Ah my lovely one, .
of twenty seven kisses,
of twenty seven roses,
and will she think of me?

Will she think of me
after the perfume waft has faded,
and I a shuffling slow breathless
and no longer handsome.

Will they be pressed twist pages
where this poem rests,
close to our breast.

For love is not foolish,
nor do roses fade.

The Proposal
A soft breeze gently rustles
the golden leaves that have fallen
scattered about,
below the twisted grey branches
of the tree
from which we used to swing.

Our names, carved by the hand
of this tenderhearted young boy,
still echo love,
of youth and of each other.

I now take your hand in mine,
and beneath the shadow of this tree,
a testament and reminder of our love,
I ask that we never allow it to fade
into the grayness of those limbs
or to dry and crumble like the leaves
that have fallen to the ground.

But that we allow it to grow
ever upward, and to be strong,
as the trunk of the great tree itself
that bears the evidence of this great love,
which beneath its arms began.

Just There
Where you were,
I did not see you.

So close to me,
but yet so veiled.

Quietly you waited,
upon my invitations;
but still, somehow,
I failed to note

of you, yearning
to be with me,
but finding
just

a void.

So sadly,
you retreated;
bowed, dejected.

Finally when I knew
of you, your devotion,
so foolishly I did feel,
like a simpleton.

For I had looked
so very hard for you,
up/down/everywhere.

but I just did not looked
clear, in front of me,
where you were

. . . just there.

– RKAM

Forgive me
for failing you, for not listening to my heart,
and for giving you up.
Please understand that it was insanity taking the best of me.
Insanity that I have to endure
for being too alone,
after being away from you for far too long.

Forgive me
for changing you through the pain i caused.
It was me who should be blamed
for your coldness and apathy.

Forgive me
for destroying myself, for almost taking my life,
and for giving up.
It was my guilt and regrets gnawing at me
after realizing how much I lost,
how much I love you,
how much you make me happy,
and how much love I have taken for granted.

Forgive me
for rushing things and closing doors.
It was my desire to hurt you
after seeing happy smiles painted on her lips,
after seeing how close you held her,
knowing you won and I am holding on to the losing end.

Forgive me
for still loving you after all these years.
It is now me, being honest to myself.
It is me finally chasing that one thing,
one person who will make me happy.

Forgive me
for wanting something I never could have
and for expecting too much.
It was for misinterpreting
the way your kisses taste,
the way you held me close,
and the way you looked into my eyes, boring into my soul.

Forgive me
for refusing to let you go this time.
Please understand that I am tired
of listening to what people thinks is best for me;
and because I want to hold on
to what I FEEL is right.

Forgive me
for too much love and too much tenderness.
Trust me, I tried to hate you.
God knows how hard I did.
But just one smile, one look in your eyes,
all hatred fades away.

Forgive me
for this painful poetry.
This is the only way my heart can be free.
Free from pains, free from guilt
-even temporarily.

Forgive me
for going back to the day I first lost you.
It is my desire to self-destruct,
knowing that I won’t have you,
I won’t have the only thing that is real.
It is just my darker side swallowing the girl you used to know.

Forgive me,
I am sorry,
for this drama, for my lunacy.
I was made to love you, I know that,
although we are destined not to be together.

If one day, death takes me,
and fate decides on my doom.
It will be the day I would stop hoping,
stop trusting,
stop believing…
It would be the day I would stop loving you.

If that comes,
Please, forgive me…

© CMN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To a love I once found, taken for granted and lost – found again and lost once more…

I was browsing through old poems and I stumbled upon this one. A poem I have written for someone who had been, and would always be, a very special part of me. I was reminded of how things were with him, of how strong the feelings were, of how gullible and stupid I was. It is the sentimentality that is killing me now, it is the longing to feel that way again that is crippling me now… I have to let go and get ahold of myself now.

I  am attaching two poems in here. The original version is in tagalog, and I have added an English translation which,  I admit, is not as good as the original. Forgive me, translation is my waterloo. Anyways, I hope you like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Adik sa Kape
11.03.2007

Namulat ang mata sa nakabubulag na liwanag
Isang bagong umaga ang inahin sa aking hapag
Subalit ang lungkot ng kahapon at lamig ng gabi
Ay nakabakas pa din sa puso’t kalul’wa kong sawi

Isang tasang kape ang pumawi sa nadarmang kalungkutan
Ang init nito’y nanuot sa kasuluk-sulukan ng kalamnan
Pinawi ang lamig na nadrama ng kaluluwa
Animo’y naroon akong muli at kayakap ka

Ang bawat higop ay isang milya palapit sa iyo
Sapagkat bawat lagok ay katumbas ng apoy ng mga palad mo
At unti-unti’y nagbabalik ako sa hapong iyon kung kailan unang nadama
Ng puso kong hangal ang kakaibang pagsinta

Matamis… Tulad ng ating unang halik, unang yakap
Kung saan kakaibang ligaya ang aking nalasap
Ang sensasyong kakaiba na idinulot noon
Di kailanman mawawaglit lumipas man ang daangtaon

Mapait… Tulad ng mga luhang ibinuhos ko paglisan mo
Tulad ng pagsambit sa pangalan mo, at paghiyaw ng puso ko
Subalit sa kabila ng pait naroon ang pag-ibig na di mamamatay
Dumulog man ako sa kabilang buhay

Kasabay ng pagbalik ng ating mga alaala
Patuloy kitang gugunitain, aking sinta
Mauubos na ang kape sa aking tasa
Makapiling ka lamang, ako’y iinom pa ng isa

 

Addicted to Coffee
12.12.10

Eyes opened wide against the blinding light
A new morning the lays on my table
But the sadness of yesterday and the cold of the night
Is still etched in my heart and broken soul

A cup of coffee eases the loneliness I feel
Its heat filling every crevice of me
Relieves me of the coldness felt by my soul
It seems like I am there holding you

Each sip is a mile closer to you
For each one is feels like the fire I feel while I held your hand
And slowly, I was brought to that afternoon
When my stupid heart felt a strange admiration

Sweet … Like our first kiss, first hug
From where I had a taste of strange happiness
The odd sensasyong it gave me
Would never be forgotten, even if a century pass

Bitter… Like the tears I shed when you left
Like the way I scream your name, and the way my heart cries out
But despite the pain, an undying love is there
Even if I go to the next life

Along with these flashbacks of memories
I would always remember you, my darling
My coffee cup is almost empty
Just be with you, I’ll have one more cup

© CMN

 

LAST NIGHT

Here comes the rain, pouring down my window
Tapping on my pane, lingering are my sorrows
For every drop of rain, tears run down my cheeks
And all the memories coming back, they are making my heart sick

I write our names on my window’s mist
And there, at the back of my mind, our final kiss
Painful yet sweet; Passionate yet so tormenting
Afterwhich, a smile across my lips, so decieving

I sat alone in this dark, empty room
Looking for solace against my self-made doom
As I hug my pillow tight, I think about you and me
Wishing it was you I’m holding, instead of mem’ries

Rain pours, tears fall; Memories come to life
As I say goodbye in this cold, dark night…

HER DEATH

She’s walking in solitude, on this gloomy night
Drying her tears against the cold, biting wind
She hold herself tighter, and fight her way through the storm,
With wrought emotions, she heaves an empty sigh

Sick and tired, so hopeless and so heartbroken
She doesn’t want to breathe, nor see, nor feel anymore
She wants something else, something to save her from oblivion…

Death…

Oh! The sweetness, the comfort of it
The beauty of not feeling,
of no longer remembering
of no longer witnessing her morbid doom.
The magic of being lost in a cosmic realm,
where dreams come true and tears are not shed
Where everything shall go to your perfect plan…

And she ends up on the brink of the cliff,
She takes her last breath,
And leaps to her solace, a world unknown…

AS THE MUSIC ENDS

Tonight, a melody haunts me
A lonely symphony created by a heart so in pain
Each note awakens some fragments of imagination
While I am recalling the days I still have you near

The laughters we shared and the tears that we shed
Your soft kisses against my lips
Your scent lingering, staying in my skin,
Everything slowly creeps back to me
Your warm embrace and the solitude,
The murmurs and the sigh…
Everything shatters my sanity…

As the night crawls and the memories vanish,
My soul’s song slowly fading, together with my dreams
As the music ends, my sanity falters
My hopes breaking away, and my life ends…

© CMN [Passion Room, 10.11.08]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out of a sudden burst of sentimentality, I tried to go back to my previous blogs and checked my posts over the years. An entry caught me by surprise, merely because I did remember writing it, and I recall the emotions engulfing my soul as I do. It has been so long since the last tear I shed, since the last memory… Yet again, a person comes back, and like a hurricane, it all rushed back to me…

When I am gone
Bury me on the cold soil
Where my mortal form could finally find solace
And it could no longer utter
A word, a sigh, nor breathe…

When I say goodbye,
Please don’t cry
Just be happy for me
For I am finally at peace
And free…

When I am dead
Don’t reach for me
Just linger on the memories we made
And hold them in your heart
For life I cannot breach
And I know I never could come back…

When I’m no longer around
Don’t say you miss me
For missing means you feel the lack…
Know that I’m always around
Somewhere
Watching your every move, every smile,
Your swing of neck…
Know that I’m just looking
And ready
To comfort you when you felt like crying…

When it finally comes
I wouldn’t feel the pain
Yet my soul would cry with you.
For even if we are realms apart
I would still love you,
I would still yearn for you,
Even stronger than I did when I still could feel life…

Since all I could do is to be there,
I would ease your pain
And cry with you
Be there for you…
You would know,
When it rains…

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~~~
I would always be that girl. No matter how far you go, no matter how much life would take from me, I would always be there.