Night, Cha. There is more to life than falling in love.
It was a message sent to me by a friend. It was short, yet it haunted me. It is true, yet not so true.
Suddenly, I find myself walking down the path of my well-kept memories. I found him there, standing and looking at me, waiting for me patiently. He smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and hugged me. I hugged him back, took his hand, and walked with him towards the bus stop… We were sitting beside each other, holding hands, enjoying the peace and comfort each one radiates… I was playing with his nephews, I was running all over their place chasing the kids, he was yelling so we would stop ‘cause he was afraid that I would bump my head or skin my knees… I was sitting at a bench reading a book while waiting until his class is over, he suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek, whispered in my ear and told me how much he loved me… We were watching a movie, he was holding me as the coldness sent me shivers… He was kissing me tenderly, and I was kissing him back. The world around us stopped moving, and we are alone, soaked in the magic of a love greater than how we always imagined it… We were crying, holding each other’s hand, talking about how uncertain the future is for us. He swore he loved me, and I uttered the same. My heart was bleeding, and my soul felt like dying that I can no longer utter words to make him feel better. I held him close to me, and he held on me the way a small child would… We were sitting beside each other, looking at the stars. Nobody’s talking, because we know that talking means more pain. We were just holding each other’s hand, savoring the moment, uncertain as to when it would happen one more time… He picked his bags up, and turned his back, walked with his mother towards the big gate. I was left there, looking at him, holding at the car door as I felt my knees weakening… He called to say they were able to check in at the airport and were just waiting for their flight, he professed his love for me, and I did the same. They had to go, we hung up. Afterwards I found myself being consoled by his sister, telling me that things will eventually be okay… He was crying on the phone asking me what was going on, I said “Nothing.” and asked him to just let it go. I used all strength I had so that I would sound apathetic, and he didn’t know that my heart was dying, that my soul is bleeding, and I knew that it was the last of me… Six years after, I find myself looking in his eyes, holding his hand, kissing him one more time, yet I cannot openly say “I love you” like the way I used to, because things are different now. We are living our lives apart and we both know that it is how it should be. It is how fate decided for us both, and no matter how much it hurts me, we must move on…
I think of him ever so often. In my lonely hours, I cannot stop myself from wishing he is here beside me, holding my hand, and giving me that peace, that comfort that only he can give. In the good times, I am wishing he is with me to share the joys I am feeling for that moment. I so wanted to have him near, because I know that I will never be judged when I am with him, I do not have to put up a mask so that I will be accepted. I know that with him, I can be myself. Yet, reality hits me ever so often and I know that those were just empty wishes, some prayers I shoot to an infinite void, a vacuum that will just consume – and not grant – it. I know that he is lost to me forever, and I still blame myself. I still blame myself for losing him, for being weak, for giving him up, and for lying to myself. I still condemn myself for killing myself by means of letting him go.
There is more to life than him, thank God. There are things that I need to focus on, things that I need to think about. I have my personal responsibilities, I have my career to take care of, I have personal goals that I need to fulfill. I have a lot on my plate. These things oftentimes preoccupy my thoughts, yet, I cannot escape from that burning truth – that I need someone to love me, I need someone I can share myself with, I found him and I set him free. I sound desperate, I know. A side of me is even condemning myself for feeling this, as I write this. Yet, it is a truth I cannot get away from…
One thing that fascinate me the most is my desire to always be there for him, no matter what. There are times that his dual nature would just shrug me off and push me away. Yet I stay. I am surprised that I wanted to be there for him because I know that he needed someone to understand him and truly care for him. It is sick that I don’t want him to suffer like the way I am feeling. Yet, does he ever thing about me the same way? Does he even want the same thing for me? I do not know, and I do not care. I want him to be happy, that is all.
In one conversation we had, he called me a blessing. Yet I call myself “Cursed” still. Note that a blessing ignored is a curse, and I feel that way sometimes. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging on to a weakening strand of hope – even if I already know that there is nothing left in him, nothing that will give me a reason to ever go back.
There is more to life than falling in love, yes. Yet, I would gladly do it over and over with him. I would bleed willingly and joyfully. Because with him, I feel alive. And together, I know that there is more to life…
© CCM; 18-04-11
Cha's Palette 