“Mine Again” by Black Lab

 

For some peculiar reasons, he asked me to watch this video. The song doesn’t really matter, but the content itself does.

I keep looking back at how we had been, at how things have gone for us, and how we have carried on in all those years. Questions flood my mind to the point of insanity. Wasn’t I good enough? What have I done to deserve such pain? Why is it happening? What have I done wrong?

I guess these don’t matter anymore. Whatever I say or do, things will never get back to what they used to be – and he will no longer believe me. I have caused him pain and he had done the same, we hurt each other in ways we never thought possible, we lied, we cried – we coped up in ways we never can imagine. It is hard to admit that we have grown apart in all those four years, instead of growing together. Yet, it happened.

People wonder why we are still together, why we share the same bed, why we still call ourselves "a couple". It is hard to understand, I know, as I am having the same thoughts sometimes. I honestly do not know what binds us now, whether it is the fact that we are committed, or the fact that God has plans for us. I wanted to consider the whole romantic side of it, but it will drive the stake deeper into my heart and I am already hurting so bad that I know I will not afford more of it.

I am at a loss, that is certain. I know that this is normally the point when one has to leave and say it is over. But there is something that keeps holding me back, keeping me rooted to where I am. There is this voice that tells me that I should stay where I am. I know that it is almost over, we are about to face the end. Yet, there is that little piece of me saying that everything will be worth it in the end.

A look back on my past relationships tells me that I am a coward. I haven’t really stayed during the tough times. I always feel like I am the deficiency in every relationship that I have been in. And I always run away. Maybe that is also the reason why I still stay. A part of me wanted to change the way I handle things, the way I see myself, and the way I see perspectives. I want to fight for this until the bitter end, or until the battle is won.

The future is uncertain. I see clouds, I can feel the rain tapping on me. The road ahead is dark and every step will be uncertain. Yet, I will die trying.

© CCMN 08.04.11

____________

“For you,
It’s safe to say that I don’t know you, and I probably never will. I know that in life, you deserve the best, even more than what it is you already have.
I see everyday that you’re not always happy and the girl that strings along your side is the only thing that looks happy. But i can honestly say I don’t know what’s going on, and I wish I did.
I wish I could tell you that there are better things that are out there just for you. You work to live and I can see it holds you back of your true potential. I want to know the most deep set goals of your heart and I want you to go for those before someone manages to change that for you.
I am also very aware that I am not blinded by this “love”. I can see things the way I know I have to, and I have to live with that. I know that it will not be a dream world that people portray to have when they love somebody. I know that if I had you, I will always get a temper and be jealous and be afraid. I know that I will always be worried that I am a problem, a mistake… And I don’t believe I’m good enough. I will argue and pick fights. I’d be afraid you’re with the other girls because you don’t realize how beautiful you are.
I am willing to live with this for as long as I am breathing. I can also tell you that as long as you have another woman in your life, I will live in torment and anguish knowing that you are making a mistake. I will not interfere unless your eyes beg for it. I know that you will not publicly agree with me, nor will you want to admit that I am right. In your heart I know that after this you will realize. You may also tell yourself that I am like the others who have tried for you.
I can hope and pray that one day it will work out between us. One day it will all come together and you will know. I will be worth the arguments and mishaps in life. I hope that you can see this as I do. I pray that all the things you hope and wish for come true. I will support everything you want to do, no matter what it is. Wherever it is you want to go, whatever it is you want to see, and however it is you plan to do it. I will be there.
I will wait as long as I have to just to know that I will have you. Just wait and see. Whenever that happens I can promise you that I will be worth coming home to every night. Please open your eyes, open your heart.
I love you, more than you can imagine…”

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Happy New Year 2012,,,, have fun 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s