Archive for the ‘Friendships’ Category

It is a custom for me to go back to books I have read from time to time in order to immerse myself in the lessons, emotions, or whatever it is I would pick up from the book. Recently, I have discovered the ease of listening to audiobooks, and as expected, Mitch Albom was on top of my list. For the nth time, I am reading (most appropriately, listening) to Tuesdays with Morrie. For some strange reasons, I thought about you.

I met you in 2013, when Multiple Sclerosis was beyond our understanding. I was about to go on my long motherhood leave and you just joined our team, and I would say we were not exactly friends but more of professional acquaintances. I came back the following year and next I know, you are sick and diagnosed with a disease I could not believe would hit someone I know, someone my age.

If it were a different person, you would have faltered. But you didn’t. Instead you stood strong and kept yourself footed, holding on to a kind of faith that is bigger than mine. And it moved me. The need to connect brought us closer, and here we are years after, still in touch despite the distance.

All that feels brought about by the book made way for this, a post exclusively for you, in case circumstances go completely haywire and we come to a point that you could not remember me anymore.

Camille, I want to thank you for coming in my life at the time when I needed it. You showed me how big a faith can make of a person and how precious our time is – with friends, with family, with people we care about. You allowed me to look at life differently and appreciate the things and people I have, to make the most out of each day, and be happy with simple things. Your gift of friendship made me see things in a different point of view, and the simplicity made me at peace with things in my life.

We do not always talk like we used to each morning a year ago. We haven’t been able to have the video calls we have been planning. But know that I treasure the friendship more than you know.

I hope one day, we see each other again. Hold on, dear friend. You do not know how much people are inspired and touched by you and your formidable strength and your massive faith. For now, know that I am thankful that I have found you, and that I love you.

 

Love always,
Cha

I bleed as I fight this thing I feel
I’m losing hopes and strength as I come to kneel
From the flight I ended up with broken wings
Envelope myself in misery for the pain this love brings

The universe inside my heart collide
My tears fell down as I cried
This thing I feel engulfs my sanity
But it should manifest, my act of bravery

I fight so that I won’t end up asking myself ‘what if’
Though I fail, I rise, my spirit given a lift
I don’t want to regret one day and tell myself ‘if only’
So I gamble with the littlest of my possibilities

Colors drain from my world as shades of gray propagate
I fight, though without a heart to call my own, though no one appreciates
Yet, as a warrior worn out from endless battles
My energy slowly drains; my heart weakens from its struggles

I reach out for a smile, a touch of you
While praying someday, you’ll feel the same way for me too
But I know your heart I could never win
For it belongs to someone I could never be

I know I should set you free though it breaks my heart in two
But I accepted it; you’ll never feel the way I do
Letting go doesn’t mean I’m weak, so is my reluctance of laying all my cards
It’s my strength of fighting the urge of wanting something I’m not supposed to have

Goodbye my dear one though it’s tearing me apart
Go to where your dreams lead you and take away my heart
Thanks for making me smile; I would love you still without doubts
Begone! Away! I’ll stop myself from reaching out.

© CMN

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There are times when we feel like we have been holding on to something that is not really made for us. There are times that we reach out for something which is not intended for us. The only way to set our souls free, is the time when we stop reaching out… Just let destiny and fate take control…

♫♪ “Fear of rejection kept my love inside… ‘Cause I’ve got no fear of losin’ you, you can’t lose what you never had” ~Westlife ♫♪

He is a happy person who radiates a feeling of warmth to people around him. At least, that is how I see him. We have been in the same workplace for more than two years, spent some time together out of work, and we even have moments wherein we would just sit down and talk about anything that we can think of. During our low moments, when he says he is there, we know for certain that he is. I like him being that way. Not until he fell in love (at least, that is how he call it). It could have been easy for us to push him to chase that person’s attention. But he is not the straight guy (believe me, if not for his bright yellow skinny pants, you would not figure it out) and he fell in love with a guy. He suddenly changed. His smiles are not as sincere as they were, his laughters somehow sounds fake, and he is wearing this mask all along. Maybe it is my sensitivity to people which made me distinguish the uncanny state that he is in.

One thing I know is that he is in pain. They are not friends (acquaintances perhaps, but when I say friends, I am talking about something deeper), but they know each other. They are Facebook friends, but they never exchange a single form of interaction. Yet, he feels pain every time he sees him. Pain maybe because he knows that liking that person meant that the feeling would never be reciprocated, or maybe because he is afraid of being rejected. Or moreso, he is afraid that when he finds out, the next thing he would get is the who-are-you type of treatment from the person he likes. We once told him to go take the risk, let him know and be ready for the consequences. But then, while writing this and putting myself at his shoes, I suddenly realized that it is indeed hard for him.

How would you look at someone straight in the eye and tell that person you love him while at the back of your mind you know that he wanted someone who is 100% different than you are? How would you tell someone how you feel without worrying if he would laugh at you, much worse, ignore you? How would you tell yourself  that you can take the risk and live with the consequences when in reality, just the thought of losing him drives you crazy? Would you face the aftermath? Would you chase the feeling? Now, those are questions I even had a hard time answering. And let us face it, we cannot push him to risk it all. The only thing he can do is change the way he feel about the situation. Go out there and be thankful that he happened in his life.

I know that he will eventually read this and I don’t know what his reaction would be. After my attempt to understand what could have possibly been the cause of his unusual behavior,  I began to see things I haven’t considered before. Now, instead of teasing him how a scaredy-cat he is, I would just keep my “words of wisdom” (as he calls it) plain and simple. “Savor the moment while it’s there in your heart and be thankful that it happened. Yet, there are perspectives that he needs  to think about and in my attempt to keep it plain and simple, see the list below.

> Love is not just because you find the person attractive and ideal. It is also about embracing one’s imperfections and coping up with one’s “being human”. – I know it sounds cliche. I have read this a million times before. But its true. We can never say we love someone if all we feel is just some sort of physical attraction. Remember that love is not just about how you two look good together, its also about feeling so right for each other, despite the smell of his feet, the way he farts, and the funny sound of his burp.

> It is a part of human nature to want something we can’t have. – Do you really want to be with that person or do you see him as a challenge? A trophy you can be proud of. (I  know that it is the former, but we can’t stop people from believing it’s the latter).

> Love all you want, but leave some fragments for yourself. – When love fails, at least you have little seeds of love you can plant and nurture.

> We tend to love, then hate the thing we love the most. Destroy it, then love it again. – Enjoy the feeling and don’t let it change you. Because when the day comes that you realized that you fell so much in love with the idea of being in love, you would alter your behavior that would thwart the real you.

> Things happen for a reason, people are brought to your life so they can serve a lesson. – That is one thing that would be very difficult for you to fathom. Just always remember that God speaks to you in all ways possible, so be open to whatever things would transpire as it is surely a way for God to mold you to become a better person.

Maybe, it is not just him who is experiencing a love that they cannot seem to have. We all passed by a stage in our lives when our northern star seemed unreachable. The lesson is, listen to the experience and trust that it will mold you to become a better person. Do not hold back, love all you want. Never expect. Just be thankful that it happened to you and make the most of it.  As I close, I think about what the song is all about… Maybe it is what cripples us from loving and enjoying the feeling, FEAR. Again, if we love someone and the person rejects us, it doesn’t mean we lost the person. The person was an instrument for us to feel how wonderful what love is. Them stepping in our lives is enough for us to tell ourselves that we can keep them (maybe not physically, but the lesson they gave and the part they played) in our lives.

(This part goes out to you, my dear friend:) I know you are hurting, I could feel it. But you can always look at things in a different perspective, and eventually, you can change what you feel about your situation. You said you know you don’t have the right to be hurt since he is not yours anyway. By all means, you are rightful of the feeling,- whether that may be love, joy , or pain – it is for you to own. No one said it is wrong. We are just here.

© CMN