Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

It is a custom for me to go back to books I have read from time to time in order to immerse myself in the lessons, emotions, or whatever it is I would pick up from the book. Recently, I have discovered the ease of listening to audiobooks, and as expected, Mitch Albom was on top of my list. For the nth time, I am reading (most appropriately, listening) to Tuesdays with Morrie. For some strange reasons, I thought about you.

I met you in 2013, when Multiple Sclerosis was beyond our understanding. I was about to go on my long motherhood leave and you just joined our team, and I would say we were not exactly friends but more of professional acquaintances. I came back the following year and next I know, you are sick and diagnosed with a disease I could not believe would hit someone I know, someone my age.

If it were a different person, you would have faltered. But you didn’t. Instead you stood strong and kept yourself footed, holding on to a kind of faith that is bigger than mine. And it moved me. The need to connect brought us closer, and here we are years after, still in touch despite the distance.

All that feels brought about by the book made way for this, a post exclusively for you, in case circumstances go completely haywire and we come to a point that you could not remember me anymore.

Camille, I want to thank you for coming in my life at the time when I needed it. You showed me how big a faith can make of a person and how precious our time is – with friends, with family, with people we care about. You allowed me to look at life differently and appreciate the things and people I have, to make the most out of each day, and be happy with simple things. Your gift of friendship made me see things in a different point of view, and the simplicity made me at peace with things in my life.

We do not always talk like we used to each morning a year ago. We haven’t been able to have the video calls we have been planning. But know that I treasure the friendship more than you know.

I hope one day, we see each other again. Hold on, dear friend. You do not know how much people are inspired and touched by you and your formidable strength and your massive faith. For now, know that I am thankful that I have found you, and that I love you.

 

Love always,
Cha

“Mine Again” by Black Lab

 

For some peculiar reasons, he asked me to watch this video. The song doesn’t really matter, but the content itself does.

I keep looking back at how we had been, at how things have gone for us, and how we have carried on in all those years. Questions flood my mind to the point of insanity. Wasn’t I good enough? What have I done to deserve such pain? Why is it happening? What have I done wrong?

I guess these don’t matter anymore. Whatever I say or do, things will never get back to what they used to be – and he will no longer believe me. I have caused him pain and he had done the same, we hurt each other in ways we never thought possible, we lied, we cried – we coped up in ways we never can imagine. It is hard to admit that we have grown apart in all those four years, instead of growing together. Yet, it happened.

People wonder why we are still together, why we share the same bed, why we still call ourselves "a couple". It is hard to understand, I know, as I am having the same thoughts sometimes. I honestly do not know what binds us now, whether it is the fact that we are committed, or the fact that God has plans for us. I wanted to consider the whole romantic side of it, but it will drive the stake deeper into my heart and I am already hurting so bad that I know I will not afford more of it.

I am at a loss, that is certain. I know that this is normally the point when one has to leave and say it is over. But there is something that keeps holding me back, keeping me rooted to where I am. There is this voice that tells me that I should stay where I am. I know that it is almost over, we are about to face the end. Yet, there is that little piece of me saying that everything will be worth it in the end.

A look back on my past relationships tells me that I am a coward. I haven’t really stayed during the tough times. I always feel like I am the deficiency in every relationship that I have been in. And I always run away. Maybe that is also the reason why I still stay. A part of me wanted to change the way I handle things, the way I see myself, and the way I see perspectives. I want to fight for this until the bitter end, or until the battle is won.

The future is uncertain. I see clouds, I can feel the rain tapping on me. The road ahead is dark and every step will be uncertain. Yet, I will die trying.

© CCMN 08.04.11

____________

“For you,
It’s safe to say that I don’t know you, and I probably never will. I know that in life, you deserve the best, even more than what it is you already have.
I see everyday that you’re not always happy and the girl that strings along your side is the only thing that looks happy. But i can honestly say I don’t know what’s going on, and I wish I did.
I wish I could tell you that there are better things that are out there just for you. You work to live and I can see it holds you back of your true potential. I want to know the most deep set goals of your heart and I want you to go for those before someone manages to change that for you.
I am also very aware that I am not blinded by this “love”. I can see things the way I know I have to, and I have to live with that. I know that it will not be a dream world that people portray to have when they love somebody. I know that if I had you, I will always get a temper and be jealous and be afraid. I know that I will always be worried that I am a problem, a mistake… And I don’t believe I’m good enough. I will argue and pick fights. I’d be afraid you’re with the other girls because you don’t realize how beautiful you are.
I am willing to live with this for as long as I am breathing. I can also tell you that as long as you have another woman in your life, I will live in torment and anguish knowing that you are making a mistake. I will not interfere unless your eyes beg for it. I know that you will not publicly agree with me, nor will you want to admit that I am right. In your heart I know that after this you will realize. You may also tell yourself that I am like the others who have tried for you.
I can hope and pray that one day it will work out between us. One day it will all come together and you will know. I will be worth the arguments and mishaps in life. I hope that you can see this as I do. I pray that all the things you hope and wish for come true. I will support everything you want to do, no matter what it is. Wherever it is you want to go, whatever it is you want to see, and however it is you plan to do it. I will be there.
I will wait as long as I have to just to know that I will have you. Just wait and see. Whenever that happens I can promise you that I will be worth coming home to every night. Please open your eyes, open your heart.
I love you, more than you can imagine…”

Is it fair to seek solace from someone just because someone we love so dearly chose to hurt us? Is it fair to run into someone else’s arms so that we can escape the pain that we feel? If we stay stuck with that someone, is it giving justice to the heart that has been shattered and broken by someone else?

As I am typing this, I can mutter to myself that I know the answer. Two strong letters – NO. I learned this the hard way… Hard enough that I feel like it’s not just my heart that has been broken, it seems like my soul also died when I fell too bad. I learned this lesson mistake after mistake, regret after regret… And no one knows, but everyday, I have to live, to survive; and the memories that I replay over and over in my head help me through each day.

I was devastated and was suffering for two long years, longing for someone I thought will never come back. I eventually learned that the person from my past is happy with someone, and a large chunk of my dying soul knows that I should move on.  And it was four years ago, on this very day, when I sought solace in the arms of someone. It was that long ago when I entrusted him not only a fragment of my heart, I also gave him my freedom. I gave him the gun and allowed him to point it in my head, yet trusted him not to pull the trigger. In all fairness, he was caring. He was responsible, understanding, conversant – he was technically someone I will wish to have with me. There were mishaps, yet, we were able to work things out. He has been supportive, he was my motivator. He was that one person who listens to my crazy thoughts and never judged. He was that one person I know I can always draw strength from. There was even an instance when I was drowning (literally) and he risked his life just to save me. It was one of the best memories I have of the person he used to be.

Four years… I wonder where we are now. I don’t know what happened to us. We eventually ended up living our own lives, chasing our own dreams, thinking about ourselves and disregarding each other’s emotions. I do not know when it started, or how long this relationship (if there is still one) will last.

What ticked me off? Maybe it is him being too controlling. Maybe it was the whole “you-cannot-wear-make-up-and-heels-and-skirts thing” that made me lose myself in the process. I got too comfortable with the fact that I am living up to his standards that I suddenly wake up one day and realized that I no longer can see the person I used to be. I woke up one day seeking for the old persona that was once me, struggling to outshine the version that he made of me. I won this battle against personal pride that I ended up getting promotions in exchange of constantly pushing myself to the limits. What ticked him off? Maybe it was my lack of time, maybe it was my growing desire to improve myself, maybe it is when I talk back in attempt to drive my point, maybe it is about my responsibilities, maybe it is his monster ego… He started going out alone, usually away for most of the weekends which is the only time I can spend with him. He chose not to inform me of his whereabouts. He kept his distance by watching movies alone. Until I stopped asking for him to share those with me, until I learned to spend more time with other people, until I enjoyed the fact that I am being myself, until I realized that I can be happy without him… Until I got used to how he was taking me for granted that I am not looking for him anymore… And right now, there is one thought that we should stop this or else we will end up hating each other…

I wanted to walk away, like I felt when we first realized that we cannot work out individual differences. Then, I was scared that he will not come running after me, so I chose to stay and spare myself the pain. Right now, I do not know whether I stayed because I loved him, or if I just did because I don’t want to be broken again. I found out the answers I was dying for, the truth. The truth that if I run away, he will not chase me, nor follow me… The truth that I am already insignificant. I am not really bothered by that. I have learned to accept  that love fades in time. Maybe his did, and mine slowly falters… That is the way of life and that cycle is something that we cannot stop.

Well, fourth year. In our educational system, fourth year means High School Graduation… Maybe we are just meant to teach each other lessons, and move on from there, living our separate lives. I am lost, really. A part of me wants to make it work still. Yet, I know that I will lie to myself and I will eventually hate him if I do. A part of me just wants to run away, seek my place in the sun, wait for that one soul that my heart is crying out loud for.

For those who know the story, thank you for standing up by me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. For those who don’t and thinks that I am the one at fault, thank you. I can never please people and most of the time, humans have the tendency to hold half-truths and half-lies to be true. Continue thinking that it was me that should be blamed if you want to, but I will never explain to anyone – I seriously don’t have to…

©CCM ~ 26/04/2011

 

Night, Cha. There is more to life than falling in love. Smile

It was a message sent to me by a friend. It was short, yet it haunted me. It is true, yet not so true.

Suddenly, I find  myself walking down the path of my well-kept memories. I found him there, standing and looking at me, waiting for me patiently. He smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and hugged me. I hugged him back, took his hand, and walked with him towards the bus stop… We were sitting beside each other, holding hands, enjoying the peace and comfort each one radiates… I was playing with his nephews, I was running all over their place chasing the kids, he was yelling so we would stop ‘cause he was afraid that I would bump my head or skin my knees… I was sitting at a bench reading a book while waiting until his class is over, he suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek, whispered in my ear and told me how much he loved me… We were watching a movie, he was holding me as the coldness sent me shivers… He was kissing me tenderly, and I was kissing him back. The world around us stopped moving, and we are alone, soaked in the magic of a love greater than how we always imagined it… We were crying, holding each other’s hand, talking about how uncertain the future is for us. He swore he loved me, and I uttered the same. My heart was bleeding, and my soul felt like dying that I can no longer utter words to make him feel better. I held him close to me, and he held on me the way a small child would… We were sitting beside each other, looking at the stars. Nobody’s talking, because we know that talking means more pain. We were just holding each other’s hand, savoring the moment, uncertain as to when it would happen one more time… He picked his bags up, and turned his back, walked with his mother towards the big gate. I was left there, looking at him, holding at the car door as I felt my knees weakening… He called to say they were able to check in at the airport and were just waiting for their flight, he professed his love for me, and I did the same. They had to go, we hung up. Afterwards I found myself being consoled by his sister, telling me that things will eventually be okay… He was crying on the phone asking me what was going on, I said “Nothing.” and asked him to just let it go. I used all strength I had so that I would sound apathetic, and he didn’t know that my heart was dying, that my soul is bleeding, and I knew that it was the last of me… Six years after, I find myself looking in his eyes, holding his hand, kissing him one more time, yet I cannot openly say “I love you” like the way I used to, because things are different now. We are living our lives apart and we both know that it is how it should be. It is how fate decided for us both, and no matter how much it hurts me, we must move on…

I think of him ever so often. In my lonely hours, I cannot stop myself from wishing he is here beside me, holding my hand, and giving me that peace, that comfort that only he can give. In the good times, I am wishing he is with me to share the joys I am feeling for that  moment. I so wanted to have him near, because I know that I will never be judged when I am with him, I do not have to put up a mask so that I will be accepted. I know that with him, I can be myself. Yet, reality hits me ever so often and I know that those were just empty wishes, some prayers I shoot to an infinite void, a vacuum that will just consume – and not grant – it. I know that he is lost to me forever, and I still blame myself. I still blame myself for losing him, for being weak, for giving him up, and for lying to myself. I still condemn myself for killing myself by means of letting him go.

There is more to life than him, thank God. There are things that I need to focus on, things that I need to think about. I have my personal responsibilities, I have my career to take care of, I have personal goals that I need to fulfill. I have a lot on my plate. These things oftentimes preoccupy my thoughts, yet, I cannot escape from that burning truth – that I need someone to love me, I need someone I can share myself with, I found him and I set him free. I sound desperate, I know. A side of me is even condemning myself for feeling this, as I write this. Yet, it is a truth I cannot get away from…

One thing that fascinate me the most is my desire to always be there for him, no matter what. There are times that his dual nature would just shrug me off and push me away. Yet I stay. I am surprised that I wanted to be there for him because I know  that he needed someone to understand him and truly care for him. It is sick that I don’t want him to suffer like the way I am feeling. Yet, does he ever thing about me the same way? Does he even want the same thing for me? I do not know, and I do not care. I want him to be happy, that is all.

In one conversation we had, he called me a blessing. Yet I call myself “Cursed” still. Note that a blessing ignored is a curse, and I feel that way sometimes. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging on to a weakening strand of hope – even if I already know that there is nothing left in him, nothing that will give me a reason to ever go back.

There is more to life than falling in love, yes. Yet, I would gladly do it over and over with him. I would bleed willingly and joyfully. Because with him, I feel alive. And together, I know that there is more to life…

© CCM; 18-04-11

I do not normally celebrate birthdays and see birthdays as an ordinary day. I was thinking it is just a date in the calendar that marks that I am another year older. Birthdays need not to be celebrated. But this year, it changed. And it surprised me that all those years of not celebrating my birthday led me to celebrate my silver year in slivers.

I had great birthday celebrations this year. It started off during an out-of-town with my office buddies. It was a team building event and at the same time, a quadruple birthday celebration for Audrey, Jea, Jason, and I. It was a day and a night of laughter, endless conversations, cooking and eating, singing sessions, and drinking by the pool, not to mention taking photos. It was followed by a night in the office. I brought some food and shared it with everyone. It was a fun night. The day after was a celebration with my female bestfriend. We spent the afternoon talking endlessly, laughing relentlessly and  eating. (Gawd, I am dieting but these people made me forget that I am.) The scheduled celebration at home has been fun too. I cooked my infamous spaghetti that day along with some other stuff. People close to me came and shared that day with me. We had some good laugh, shared nice conversations, did a lot of recollections (looking back on silly things we have shared over the past years that we have known each other), sang songs and a lot more. The funny thing about that day is that all my visitors actually brought cakes. (I actually got 6 cakes given to me, in total. Cool, huh?). The day of my actual birthday was spent at home, alone. Well, I usually have that. I normally spend my birthday like that. I believe that silence and communing with self is healthy from time to time. I slept all afternoon. I was thinking that it is the end of all the celebrations but I remember that I have to go somewhere next weekend to celebrate with a couple of friends.

I also look back and think of the blessings I received. I got a promotion for a position I have always wanted, I was able to see a familiar face and pour my heart out, and I have true friends surrounding me. I think those thing are enough for me to be thankful of.

As I turn silver and face a new beginning, there are things, people, and emotions I would still hold on to. Those that would give my soul peace and calm, no matter how unfathomable situations are.

© CMN

The past is always a fragment of who we are. It is a portion of ourselves that helped us become the person we are in the present. It never fails to bring out a gamut of human emotions, good and bad. No matter how much we deny it, we find solace in it, a calming feeling.

I had a chance on seeing someone this week and she gave me a box that I left when I once lived with her. A box that is so plain and boring, a bit dusty as it was kept in her closet for more than six years. I recognized it and it bore my name in my handwriting, so I took it from her and opened it. And I was surprised as to what I saw.

There infront of me are letters given to me by random people, an old box of chocolates, some paper flowers, old movie and concert tickets, little ribbons, small notes, and a couple of other little items. I was surprised that she kept it, even more surprised that I had this habit of collecting whatever is given to me, big or small. I was stunned that indeed, I am a person of great sentimentality. Or am I just a prisoner of my past, like what I always had been?

I took the box home, and suddenly found myself reading through small notes and letters, checking each chocolate wrapper, looking at each folded flower, appreciating small poems sent to me… all while walking down an alley of my past. I suddenly felt like I am lighting up one dark alley of the past, an alley whose streetlights were once shut down, by the lonely soul in me. I find myself playing memories in my head, reliving each moment spent with friends and other people close to me.

The feeling is strange. I suddenly miss these old friends and began to wonder where they are right now. I began to think of how kismet brought us together, and how changes, chances, decisions, and opportunities made us all drift apart. There is a small fragment of my soul that feels happy because I know that in one way or another, I was able to experience the bliss of pure friendship and there is that much people who once cared for me and appreciated who and what I am – the friends I lost in time. I am happy that some even appreciated who and what I have become – the friends I still keep with me. And mostly, I am happy for the lessons I have learned in all that decade, lessons that molded me and made me the person I am now.

I was asked as to what I would do to it, and I decided to burn the box. Right now, the mementos are not important. I do not need reminders, I do not need to keep items just to keep the memories alive. The memories are already here with me, etched in my soul, never will they fade. I will always remember each face inside that box, each memory, each lesson learned. Afterall, what matters is not what you did together, but what you LEARNED together.

To the person who kept these for me, thank you. To each face inside the box of memories, you will always be remembered. To my friends who stayed, you are all appreciated… I will then take a step back to reality with a smile on my face with these new discoveries.

© CMN

Thank you, Jingle. The rally keeps me inspired. It is an honor to be on it.

 

Buttoned eyes,
drawn lips.
Arms and limbs,
sewn in a stuffed cloth.
Scrap fabric
covering its nakedness.

The little girl,
whose eyes shames the stars,
held it close to her.
As a mother would
to her child.

Years pass,
the girl forgot.
About the sweet little one,
whom she cradled,
when all the world scared her…

One eye unbuttoned,
lips fading.
Arms almost unstitched,
from the stuffings.

The girl is now a woman.
And it is just,
a ragged rag doll.

© CMN

~~~~~~~

In one way or another, we all have to move on. People would eventually forget the smiles and tears and memories that you shared together. Years will pass, but there are things that would remain the same. And there are people who would always feel left behind. 😥

Addendum: This poem is also a form of acceptance of an award I got from Jingle’s “Thursday Poetry Rally”. I nominate Danroberson’s “My Life Will not be a Stagnant Pond” for Week 37.