Night, Cha. There is more to life than falling in love. Smile

It was a message sent to me by a friend. It was short, yet it haunted me. It is true, yet not so true.

Suddenly, I find  myself walking down the path of my well-kept memories. I found him there, standing and looking at me, waiting for me patiently. He smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and hugged me. I hugged him back, took his hand, and walked with him towards the bus stop… We were sitting beside each other, holding hands, enjoying the peace and comfort each one radiates… I was playing with his nephews, I was running all over their place chasing the kids, he was yelling so we would stop ‘cause he was afraid that I would bump my head or skin my knees… I was sitting at a bench reading a book while waiting until his class is over, he suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek, whispered in my ear and told me how much he loved me… We were watching a movie, he was holding me as the coldness sent me shivers… He was kissing me tenderly, and I was kissing him back. The world around us stopped moving, and we are alone, soaked in the magic of a love greater than how we always imagined it… We were crying, holding each other’s hand, talking about how uncertain the future is for us. He swore he loved me, and I uttered the same. My heart was bleeding, and my soul felt like dying that I can no longer utter words to make him feel better. I held him close to me, and he held on me the way a small child would… We were sitting beside each other, looking at the stars. Nobody’s talking, because we know that talking means more pain. We were just holding each other’s hand, savoring the moment, uncertain as to when it would happen one more time… He picked his bags up, and turned his back, walked with his mother towards the big gate. I was left there, looking at him, holding at the car door as I felt my knees weakening… He called to say they were able to check in at the airport and were just waiting for their flight, he professed his love for me, and I did the same. They had to go, we hung up. Afterwards I found myself being consoled by his sister, telling me that things will eventually be okay… He was crying on the phone asking me what was going on, I said “Nothing.” and asked him to just let it go. I used all strength I had so that I would sound apathetic, and he didn’t know that my heart was dying, that my soul is bleeding, and I knew that it was the last of me… Six years after, I find myself looking in his eyes, holding his hand, kissing him one more time, yet I cannot openly say “I love you” like the way I used to, because things are different now. We are living our lives apart and we both know that it is how it should be. It is how fate decided for us both, and no matter how much it hurts me, we must move on…

I think of him ever so often. In my lonely hours, I cannot stop myself from wishing he is here beside me, holding my hand, and giving me that peace, that comfort that only he can give. In the good times, I am wishing he is with me to share the joys I am feeling for that  moment. I so wanted to have him near, because I know that I will never be judged when I am with him, I do not have to put up a mask so that I will be accepted. I know that with him, I can be myself. Yet, reality hits me ever so often and I know that those were just empty wishes, some prayers I shoot to an infinite void, a vacuum that will just consume – and not grant – it. I know that he is lost to me forever, and I still blame myself. I still blame myself for losing him, for being weak, for giving him up, and for lying to myself. I still condemn myself for killing myself by means of letting him go.

There is more to life than him, thank God. There are things that I need to focus on, things that I need to think about. I have my personal responsibilities, I have my career to take care of, I have personal goals that I need to fulfill. I have a lot on my plate. These things oftentimes preoccupy my thoughts, yet, I cannot escape from that burning truth – that I need someone to love me, I need someone I can share myself with, I found him and I set him free. I sound desperate, I know. A side of me is even condemning myself for feeling this, as I write this. Yet, it is a truth I cannot get away from…

One thing that fascinate me the most is my desire to always be there for him, no matter what. There are times that his dual nature would just shrug me off and push me away. Yet I stay. I am surprised that I wanted to be there for him because I know  that he needed someone to understand him and truly care for him. It is sick that I don’t want him to suffer like the way I am feeling. Yet, does he ever thing about me the same way? Does he even want the same thing for me? I do not know, and I do not care. I want him to be happy, that is all.

In one conversation we had, he called me a blessing. Yet I call myself “Cursed” still. Note that a blessing ignored is a curse, and I feel that way sometimes. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging on to a weakening strand of hope – even if I already know that there is nothing left in him, nothing that will give me a reason to ever go back.

There is more to life than falling in love, yes. Yet, I would gladly do it over and over with him. I would bleed willingly and joyfully. Because with him, I feel alive. And together, I know that there is more to life…

© CCM; 18-04-11

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Lips touched in a split of time.
Until eventually I called you mine.
Fourteen days of incessant musings,
Not realizing how dangerous is falling.

You touched my hand and shared peace,
Looked in my eyes and sealed my lips with a kiss.
Until the lovesong faded and the sun shone,
A dark secret you keep was made known.

I want to hate you, but I can’t,
‘Cause I am still thankful for the times we spent.
I want to ignore the feeling and make my heart numb,
Never for a dare I would again succumb…

© CCM

_______________________

For the girl I know… Blame the game and not the players. You are a player as well, and the only mistake you have done is to lay your heart on the line. Let him go, and be happy that you have known things sooner, instead of you falling deeply only to be deeply hurt in the end. He doesn’t deserve a love as strong as what you have. 🙂

I can see nothing but stars,
and the way they glimmer reminds me of your eyes.
I can see nothing but the moonlit path I walk in,
as the wind kiss my skin with coldness,
and melancholy.
Infinite shadows blur my vision
as I walk to a path unknown.
The deafening silence comforts my soul,
whilst alerting my defenses.

I remember the days when the sun
can still shine down on this deserted town.
The memories led me,
to remembering our past – days of unfound bliss.

One look in your eye and I knew true love exists,
one smile from you and I knew happiness is within reach.
As I held your hand, a feeling of comfort radiates in my soul,
my courage strengthens as you held me close to you.
Tears falling from my eyes as I remember how your kisses taste,
of how our bodies fit perfectly,
like two halves of a whole.
My heart wrenching, breaking in two,
as I recall the night we just held each other close,
not uttering a word, knowing it might be the last;
and that lonely afternoon,
when we wished you never had to leave,
and that things never had to be the way they are.

I continue walking,
dragging myself.
My feet are callous now,
cracking and bleeding.
But I am numb, and I cannot feel the pain.
I am sore, I am hollow.
I walk slowly towards my savior,
a dark, endless hole in the center of the earth.
What is the use of surviving apocalypse,
if I am without you?
I embrace myself and pretend you are there,
trapped in my arms.
I close my eyes,
release my mortal form in that hole,
falling endlessly,
sliding relentlessly,
on the infinite abyss,
waiting for the end to come.

© CCM

I do not normally celebrate birthdays and see birthdays as an ordinary day. I was thinking it is just a date in the calendar that marks that I am another year older. Birthdays need not to be celebrated. But this year, it changed. And it surprised me that all those years of not celebrating my birthday led me to celebrate my silver year in slivers.

I had great birthday celebrations this year. It started off during an out-of-town with my office buddies. It was a team building event and at the same time, a quadruple birthday celebration for Audrey, Jea, Jason, and I. It was a day and a night of laughter, endless conversations, cooking and eating, singing sessions, and drinking by the pool, not to mention taking photos. It was followed by a night in the office. I brought some food and shared it with everyone. It was a fun night. The day after was a celebration with my female bestfriend. We spent the afternoon talking endlessly, laughing relentlessly and  eating. (Gawd, I am dieting but these people made me forget that I am.) The scheduled celebration at home has been fun too. I cooked my infamous spaghetti that day along with some other stuff. People close to me came and shared that day with me. We had some good laugh, shared nice conversations, did a lot of recollections (looking back on silly things we have shared over the past years that we have known each other), sang songs and a lot more. The funny thing about that day is that all my visitors actually brought cakes. (I actually got 6 cakes given to me, in total. Cool, huh?). The day of my actual birthday was spent at home, alone. Well, I usually have that. I normally spend my birthday like that. I believe that silence and communing with self is healthy from time to time. I slept all afternoon. I was thinking that it is the end of all the celebrations but I remember that I have to go somewhere next weekend to celebrate with a couple of friends.

I also look back and think of the blessings I received. I got a promotion for a position I have always wanted, I was able to see a familiar face and pour my heart out, and I have true friends surrounding me. I think those thing are enough for me to be thankful of.

As I turn silver and face a new beginning, there are things, people, and emotions I would still hold on to. Those that would give my soul peace and calm, no matter how unfathomable situations are.

© CMN

The past is always a fragment of who we are. It is a portion of ourselves that helped us become the person we are in the present. It never fails to bring out a gamut of human emotions, good and bad. No matter how much we deny it, we find solace in it, a calming feeling.

I had a chance on seeing someone this week and she gave me a box that I left when I once lived with her. A box that is so plain and boring, a bit dusty as it was kept in her closet for more than six years. I recognized it and it bore my name in my handwriting, so I took it from her and opened it. And I was surprised as to what I saw.

There infront of me are letters given to me by random people, an old box of chocolates, some paper flowers, old movie and concert tickets, little ribbons, small notes, and a couple of other little items. I was surprised that she kept it, even more surprised that I had this habit of collecting whatever is given to me, big or small. I was stunned that indeed, I am a person of great sentimentality. Or am I just a prisoner of my past, like what I always had been?

I took the box home, and suddenly found myself reading through small notes and letters, checking each chocolate wrapper, looking at each folded flower, appreciating small poems sent to me… all while walking down an alley of my past. I suddenly felt like I am lighting up one dark alley of the past, an alley whose streetlights were once shut down, by the lonely soul in me. I find myself playing memories in my head, reliving each moment spent with friends and other people close to me.

The feeling is strange. I suddenly miss these old friends and began to wonder where they are right now. I began to think of how kismet brought us together, and how changes, chances, decisions, and opportunities made us all drift apart. There is a small fragment of my soul that feels happy because I know that in one way or another, I was able to experience the bliss of pure friendship and there is that much people who once cared for me and appreciated who and what I am – the friends I lost in time. I am happy that some even appreciated who and what I have become – the friends I still keep with me. And mostly, I am happy for the lessons I have learned in all that decade, lessons that molded me and made me the person I am now.

I was asked as to what I would do to it, and I decided to burn the box. Right now, the mementos are not important. I do not need reminders, I do not need to keep items just to keep the memories alive. The memories are already here with me, etched in my soul, never will they fade. I will always remember each face inside that box, each memory, each lesson learned. Afterall, what matters is not what you did together, but what you LEARNED together.

To the person who kept these for me, thank you. To each face inside the box of memories, you will always be remembered. To my friends who stayed, you are all appreciated… I will then take a step back to reality with a smile on my face with these new discoveries.

© CMN

Dark Lullaby

Posted: 24/01/2011 in Poetry
Tags: , , , , , ,

This alley cradles my soul in the solace of its darkness
Tossing my knife, playing with it, with no mark of kindness.
My eyes reflect the devil’s own, full of wrath and lies;
As soon as I release my grip from this, I know, someone dies.

My muscles tensing, as I crave for a release;
While this unexplained agony makes my soul unease.
The darkness enveloping my soul in a solitude I cannot contain,
Vindication, revenge, all parts of a bliss I wished to obtain.

Looking up her windows, her silhouette emanating bliss;
Dragged me to the days when we shared that one special kiss.
Her voice, her sweet voice, rings music to my ears,
Brought memories of her helping me wage wars with my own fears.

I cannot bear the pain any longer, my soul is succumbing to the dark,
Her love, her heart, her soul, I no longer can win back.
Let her sing, let her float in happiness, let her be held and loved,
While I forsake my mortal shards, deny light from up above.

As the day breaks for a new beginning, I kneel down
Accepting my fate, succumbing to the dark crown
As she sing her heart out, I released my knife for the kill;
And her dark lullaby left my heart, soul, and eyes sealed.

© CMN

~~~~~
It was in my attempt of deleting unused files when I saw this poem from a couple of months back. I realized that I have been starting a few poems and due to things I have to attend to, I consistently forget to finish them. This is one of the poems I made in my futile attempt to write in rhymes. Guess I am really a prose poet, afterall. Not one of the bests, but I hope you enjoy.

The Star Poet Award for Week 37

 

The sun shall never compare,
to the warmth soaking in her skin.
His probing eyes gently staring at her,
drowning all her fears within.
His touch, his sweet smile,
telling her everything will be okay;
Like it has always been,
an eternity ago.

His hand perfectly fitting hers,
clasping hers.
And she knows that the battle has been finally won.
All the years she keeps on running away
are finally over.
He is right there, infront of her,
within her reach.

His lips touching hers in a union so surreal,
locking himself in.
Teasing.
Tasting.
Her inhibitions slowly fading,
her pride, her fears all are gone.
She stopped fighting her ideal bonds,
fearlessly succumbing to her mortal shards.
Feeling.
Breathing him in.
Losing herself.

Just then, the dream starts vanishing,
reality slowly sinking in…

He is sleeping peacefully in her arms,
eyes closed.
His chest heaving rhythmically rising and falling.
Arms enveloping her.
Limbs wrapping her in a deadly embrace.
And she is just staring.
Thinking.
Taking all in.
Keeping each detail in her memory,
preserving each moment in her heart and soul.
Knowing it would soon be over.

And so it is.

The hourglass is almost empty now,
she is on her half-waking dream.
He began to walk away,
closing every door behind him.
Taking steps away,
away, away from her.
Not looking back.

He got what he always wanted,
her heart and soul.
She got what she always deserved,
her death.

He is lost to her forever,
while her name, he can no longer remember.
She is left alone,
on hollow corners of her memory.

Slowly dying,
tears falling.
Facing her bitter end.

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was idly sitting, pondering on moments that was once lost but regained, things that was once ignored but noticed, dares that were once temptations but taken. I look back on the images that plague my soul, conversations that ring in my ears, and the scent that crippled my human form. I cannot help but walk down that dark alley of memories, once sweet and inviting, now hollow and sordid. And I felt like I needed a good cry, I badly needed one. Just to empty my heart and soul, just to liberate myself from the fangs of the past, just for me to move forward.

Then I think of the things we did and promises we made, of parting songs and farewell words. I looked on how things are now. And that’s when it hit me. That’s when reality bit me.

Author’s Notes: As always, thank you, Jingle for keeping me going. You and the rest of the poets in the rally makes me inspired each time I visit. Here’s an entry for week 38.