Posts Tagged ‘death’

Is it fair to seek solace from someone just because someone we love so dearly chose to hurt us? Is it fair to run into someone else’s arms so that we can escape the pain that we feel? If we stay stuck with that someone, is it giving justice to the heart that has been shattered and broken by someone else?

As I am typing this, I can mutter to myself that I know the answer. Two strong letters – NO. I learned this the hard way… Hard enough that I feel like it’s not just my heart that has been broken, it seems like my soul also died when I fell too bad. I learned this lesson mistake after mistake, regret after regret… And no one knows, but everyday, I have to live, to survive; and the memories that I replay over and over in my head help me through each day.

I was devastated and was suffering for two long years, longing for someone I thought will never come back. I eventually learned that the person from my past is happy with someone, and a large chunk of my dying soul knows that I should move on.  And it was four years ago, on this very day, when I sought solace in the arms of someone. It was that long ago when I entrusted him not only a fragment of my heart, I also gave him my freedom. I gave him the gun and allowed him to point it in my head, yet trusted him not to pull the trigger. In all fairness, he was caring. He was responsible, understanding, conversant – he was technically someone I will wish to have with me. There were mishaps, yet, we were able to work things out. He has been supportive, he was my motivator. He was that one person who listens to my crazy thoughts and never judged. He was that one person I know I can always draw strength from. There was even an instance when I was drowning (literally) and he risked his life just to save me. It was one of the best memories I have of the person he used to be.

Four years… I wonder where we are now. I don’t know what happened to us. We eventually ended up living our own lives, chasing our own dreams, thinking about ourselves and disregarding each other’s emotions. I do not know when it started, or how long this relationship (if there is still one) will last.

What ticked me off? Maybe it is him being too controlling. Maybe it was the whole “you-cannot-wear-make-up-and-heels-and-skirts thing” that made me lose myself in the process. I got too comfortable with the fact that I am living up to his standards that I suddenly wake up one day and realized that I no longer can see the person I used to be. I woke up one day seeking for the old persona that was once me, struggling to outshine the version that he made of me. I won this battle against personal pride that I ended up getting promotions in exchange of constantly pushing myself to the limits. What ticked him off? Maybe it was my lack of time, maybe it was my growing desire to improve myself, maybe it is when I talk back in attempt to drive my point, maybe it is about my responsibilities, maybe it is his monster ego… He started going out alone, usually away for most of the weekends which is the only time I can spend with him. He chose not to inform me of his whereabouts. He kept his distance by watching movies alone. Until I stopped asking for him to share those with me, until I learned to spend more time with other people, until I enjoyed the fact that I am being myself, until I realized that I can be happy without him… Until I got used to how he was taking me for granted that I am not looking for him anymore… And right now, there is one thought that we should stop this or else we will end up hating each other…

I wanted to walk away, like I felt when we first realized that we cannot work out individual differences. Then, I was scared that he will not come running after me, so I chose to stay and spare myself the pain. Right now, I do not know whether I stayed because I loved him, or if I just did because I don’t want to be broken again. I found out the answers I was dying for, the truth. The truth that if I run away, he will not chase me, nor follow me… The truth that I am already insignificant. I am not really bothered by that. I have learned to accept  that love fades in time. Maybe his did, and mine slowly falters… That is the way of life and that cycle is something that we cannot stop.

Well, fourth year. In our educational system, fourth year means High School Graduation… Maybe we are just meant to teach each other lessons, and move on from there, living our separate lives. I am lost, really. A part of me wants to make it work still. Yet, I know that I will lie to myself and I will eventually hate him if I do. A part of me just wants to run away, seek my place in the sun, wait for that one soul that my heart is crying out loud for.

For those who know the story, thank you for standing up by me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. For those who don’t and thinks that I am the one at fault, thank you. I can never please people and most of the time, humans have the tendency to hold half-truths and half-lies to be true. Continue thinking that it was me that should be blamed if you want to, but I will never explain to anyone – I seriously don’t have to…

©CCM ~ 26/04/2011

 

I can see nothing but stars,
and the way they glimmer reminds me of your eyes.
I can see nothing but the moonlit path I walk in,
as the wind kiss my skin with coldness,
and melancholy.
Infinite shadows blur my vision
as I walk to a path unknown.
The deafening silence comforts my soul,
whilst alerting my defenses.

I remember the days when the sun
can still shine down on this deserted town.
The memories led me,
to remembering our past – days of unfound bliss.

One look in your eye and I knew true love exists,
one smile from you and I knew happiness is within reach.
As I held your hand, a feeling of comfort radiates in my soul,
my courage strengthens as you held me close to you.
Tears falling from my eyes as I remember how your kisses taste,
of how our bodies fit perfectly,
like two halves of a whole.
My heart wrenching, breaking in two,
as I recall the night we just held each other close,
not uttering a word, knowing it might be the last;
and that lonely afternoon,
when we wished you never had to leave,
and that things never had to be the way they are.

I continue walking,
dragging myself.
My feet are callous now,
cracking and bleeding.
But I am numb, and I cannot feel the pain.
I am sore, I am hollow.
I walk slowly towards my savior,
a dark, endless hole in the center of the earth.
What is the use of surviving apocalypse,
if I am without you?
I embrace myself and pretend you are there,
trapped in my arms.
I close my eyes,
release my mortal form in that hole,
falling endlessly,
sliding relentlessly,
on the infinite abyss,
waiting for the end to come.

© CCM

Dark Lullaby

Posted: 24/01/2011 in Poetry
Tags: , , , , , ,

This alley cradles my soul in the solace of its darkness
Tossing my knife, playing with it, with no mark of kindness.
My eyes reflect the devil’s own, full of wrath and lies;
As soon as I release my grip from this, I know, someone dies.

My muscles tensing, as I crave for a release;
While this unexplained agony makes my soul unease.
The darkness enveloping my soul in a solitude I cannot contain,
Vindication, revenge, all parts of a bliss I wished to obtain.

Looking up her windows, her silhouette emanating bliss;
Dragged me to the days when we shared that one special kiss.
Her voice, her sweet voice, rings music to my ears,
Brought memories of her helping me wage wars with my own fears.

I cannot bear the pain any longer, my soul is succumbing to the dark,
Her love, her heart, her soul, I no longer can win back.
Let her sing, let her float in happiness, let her be held and loved,
While I forsake my mortal shards, deny light from up above.

As the day breaks for a new beginning, I kneel down
Accepting my fate, succumbing to the dark crown
As she sing her heart out, I released my knife for the kill;
And her dark lullaby left my heart, soul, and eyes sealed.

© CMN

~~~~~
It was in my attempt of deleting unused files when I saw this poem from a couple of months back. I realized that I have been starting a few poems and due to things I have to attend to, I consistently forget to finish them. This is one of the poems I made in my futile attempt to write in rhymes. Guess I am really a prose poet, afterall. Not one of the bests, but I hope you enjoy.

The Star Poet Award for Week 37

 

The sun shall never compare,
to the warmth soaking in her skin.
His probing eyes gently staring at her,
drowning all her fears within.
His touch, his sweet smile,
telling her everything will be okay;
Like it has always been,
an eternity ago.

His hand perfectly fitting hers,
clasping hers.
And she knows that the battle has been finally won.
All the years she keeps on running away
are finally over.
He is right there, infront of her,
within her reach.

His lips touching hers in a union so surreal,
locking himself in.
Teasing.
Tasting.
Her inhibitions slowly fading,
her pride, her fears all are gone.
She stopped fighting her ideal bonds,
fearlessly succumbing to her mortal shards.
Feeling.
Breathing him in.
Losing herself.

Just then, the dream starts vanishing,
reality slowly sinking in…

He is sleeping peacefully in her arms,
eyes closed.
His chest heaving rhythmically rising and falling.
Arms enveloping her.
Limbs wrapping her in a deadly embrace.
And she is just staring.
Thinking.
Taking all in.
Keeping each detail in her memory,
preserving each moment in her heart and soul.
Knowing it would soon be over.

And so it is.

The hourglass is almost empty now,
she is on her half-waking dream.
He began to walk away,
closing every door behind him.
Taking steps away,
away, away from her.
Not looking back.

He got what he always wanted,
her heart and soul.
She got what she always deserved,
her death.

He is lost to her forever,
while her name, he can no longer remember.
She is left alone,
on hollow corners of her memory.

Slowly dying,
tears falling.
Facing her bitter end.

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was idly sitting, pondering on moments that was once lost but regained, things that was once ignored but noticed, dares that were once temptations but taken. I look back on the images that plague my soul, conversations that ring in my ears, and the scent that crippled my human form. I cannot help but walk down that dark alley of memories, once sweet and inviting, now hollow and sordid. And I felt like I needed a good cry, I badly needed one. Just to empty my heart and soul, just to liberate myself from the fangs of the past, just for me to move forward.

Then I think of the things we did and promises we made, of parting songs and farewell words. I looked on how things are now. And that’s when it hit me. That’s when reality bit me.

Author’s Notes: As always, thank you, Jingle for keeping me going. You and the rest of the poets in the rally makes me inspired each time I visit. Here’s an entry for week 38.

 

Nickel screws and copper bolts;
Aluminum plates and metal knobs.
Its stare empty, its chest is cold,
The scientist called it A-2004.

He opened its case,
and was shocked.
Beneath the metal casing,
there is a heart that is faintly beating.

He pulled the memory chip,
watched as a laser beam hugged it.
He was taken aback,
as he viewed ghastly images,
of a long forgotten past…

He saw his face, his smiles, his tears.
He felt his every emotion
on every fragment of memory saved.
He sensed the agony and the pains,
the happiness and sorrows,
of the woman who owned the heart,
and those memories.

A drop of that salty fluid
made its trail on his cheek.
He took the heart,
and locked it on the safe.
Along with the chip –
the chip of broken promises
and shattered dreams.

A new chip was installed,
electrical circuits replaced the heart.
As memory increased,
functionalities were optimized,
and applications were installed,
The scientist killed it.

What he have now is an android,
devoid of truth, of affective fallacies.
It is his masterpiece, CA-2011.

© CMN

Thank you, Jingle. The rally keeps me inspired. It is an honor to be on it.

 

Buttoned eyes,
drawn lips.
Arms and limbs,
sewn in a stuffed cloth.
Scrap fabric
covering its nakedness.

The little girl,
whose eyes shames the stars,
held it close to her.
As a mother would
to her child.

Years pass,
the girl forgot.
About the sweet little one,
whom she cradled,
when all the world scared her…

One eye unbuttoned,
lips fading.
Arms almost unstitched,
from the stuffings.

The girl is now a woman.
And it is just,
a ragged rag doll.

© CMN

~~~~~~~

In one way or another, we all have to move on. People would eventually forget the smiles and tears and memories that you shared together. Years will pass, but there are things that would remain the same. And there are people who would always feel left behind. 😥

Addendum: This poem is also a form of acceptance of an award I got from Jingle’s “Thursday Poetry Rally”. I nominate Danroberson’s “My Life Will not be a Stagnant Pond” for Week 37.

Forgive me
for failing you, for not listening to my heart,
and for giving you up.
Please understand that it was insanity taking the best of me.
Insanity that I have to endure
for being too alone,
after being away from you for far too long.

Forgive me
for changing you through the pain i caused.
It was me who should be blamed
for your coldness and apathy.

Forgive me
for destroying myself, for almost taking my life,
and for giving up.
It was my guilt and regrets gnawing at me
after realizing how much I lost,
how much I love you,
how much you make me happy,
and how much love I have taken for granted.

Forgive me
for rushing things and closing doors.
It was my desire to hurt you
after seeing happy smiles painted on her lips,
after seeing how close you held her,
knowing you won and I am holding on to the losing end.

Forgive me
for still loving you after all these years.
It is now me, being honest to myself.
It is me finally chasing that one thing,
one person who will make me happy.

Forgive me
for wanting something I never could have
and for expecting too much.
It was for misinterpreting
the way your kisses taste,
the way you held me close,
and the way you looked into my eyes, boring into my soul.

Forgive me
for refusing to let you go this time.
Please understand that I am tired
of listening to what people thinks is best for me;
and because I want to hold on
to what I FEEL is right.

Forgive me
for too much love and too much tenderness.
Trust me, I tried to hate you.
God knows how hard I did.
But just one smile, one look in your eyes,
all hatred fades away.

Forgive me
for this painful poetry.
This is the only way my heart can be free.
Free from pains, free from guilt
-even temporarily.

Forgive me
for going back to the day I first lost you.
It is my desire to self-destruct,
knowing that I won’t have you,
I won’t have the only thing that is real.
It is just my darker side swallowing the girl you used to know.

Forgive me,
I am sorry,
for this drama, for my lunacy.
I was made to love you, I know that,
although we are destined not to be together.

If one day, death takes me,
and fate decides on my doom.
It will be the day I would stop hoping,
stop trusting,
stop believing…
It would be the day I would stop loving you.

If that comes,
Please, forgive me…

© CMN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To a love I once found, taken for granted and lost – found again and lost once more…