Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

It is a custom for me to go back to books I have read from time to time in order to immerse myself in the lessons, emotions, or whatever it is I would pick up from the book. Recently, I have discovered the ease of listening to audiobooks, and as expected, Mitch Albom was on top of my list. For the nth time, I am reading (most appropriately, listening) to Tuesdays with Morrie. For some strange reasons, I thought about you.

I met you in 2013, when Multiple Sclerosis was beyond our understanding. I was about to go on my long motherhood leave and you just joined our team, and I would say we were not exactly friends but more of professional acquaintances. I came back the following year and next I know, you are sick and diagnosed with a disease I could not believe would hit someone I know, someone my age.

If it were a different person, you would have faltered. But you didn’t. Instead you stood strong and kept yourself footed, holding on to a kind of faith that is bigger than mine. And it moved me. The need to connect brought us closer, and here we are years after, still in touch despite the distance.

All that feels brought about by the book made way for this, a post exclusively for you, in case circumstances go completely haywire and we come to a point that you could not remember me anymore.

Camille, I want to thank you for coming in my life at the time when I needed it. You showed me how big a faith can make of a person and how precious our time is – with friends, with family, with people we care about. You allowed me to look at life differently and appreciate the things and people I have, to make the most out of each day, and be happy with simple things. Your gift of friendship made me see things in a different point of view, and the simplicity made me at peace with things in my life.

We do not always talk like we used to each morning a year ago. We haven’t been able to have the video calls we have been planning. But know that I treasure the friendship more than you know.

I hope one day, we see each other again. Hold on, dear friend. You do not know how much people are inspired and touched by you and your formidable strength and your massive faith. For now, know that I am thankful that I have found you, and that I love you.

 

Love always,
Cha

Night, Cha. There is more to life than falling in love. Smile

It was a message sent to me by a friend. It was short, yet it haunted me. It is true, yet not so true.

Suddenly, I find  myself walking down the path of my well-kept memories. I found him there, standing and looking at me, waiting for me patiently. He smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and hugged me. I hugged him back, took his hand, and walked with him towards the bus stop… We were sitting beside each other, holding hands, enjoying the peace and comfort each one radiates… I was playing with his nephews, I was running all over their place chasing the kids, he was yelling so we would stop ‘cause he was afraid that I would bump my head or skin my knees… I was sitting at a bench reading a book while waiting until his class is over, he suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek, whispered in my ear and told me how much he loved me… We were watching a movie, he was holding me as the coldness sent me shivers… He was kissing me tenderly, and I was kissing him back. The world around us stopped moving, and we are alone, soaked in the magic of a love greater than how we always imagined it… We were crying, holding each other’s hand, talking about how uncertain the future is for us. He swore he loved me, and I uttered the same. My heart was bleeding, and my soul felt like dying that I can no longer utter words to make him feel better. I held him close to me, and he held on me the way a small child would… We were sitting beside each other, looking at the stars. Nobody’s talking, because we know that talking means more pain. We were just holding each other’s hand, savoring the moment, uncertain as to when it would happen one more time… He picked his bags up, and turned his back, walked with his mother towards the big gate. I was left there, looking at him, holding at the car door as I felt my knees weakening… He called to say they were able to check in at the airport and were just waiting for their flight, he professed his love for me, and I did the same. They had to go, we hung up. Afterwards I found myself being consoled by his sister, telling me that things will eventually be okay… He was crying on the phone asking me what was going on, I said “Nothing.” and asked him to just let it go. I used all strength I had so that I would sound apathetic, and he didn’t know that my heart was dying, that my soul is bleeding, and I knew that it was the last of me… Six years after, I find myself looking in his eyes, holding his hand, kissing him one more time, yet I cannot openly say “I love you” like the way I used to, because things are different now. We are living our lives apart and we both know that it is how it should be. It is how fate decided for us both, and no matter how much it hurts me, we must move on…

I think of him ever so often. In my lonely hours, I cannot stop myself from wishing he is here beside me, holding my hand, and giving me that peace, that comfort that only he can give. In the good times, I am wishing he is with me to share the joys I am feeling for that  moment. I so wanted to have him near, because I know that I will never be judged when I am with him, I do not have to put up a mask so that I will be accepted. I know that with him, I can be myself. Yet, reality hits me ever so often and I know that those were just empty wishes, some prayers I shoot to an infinite void, a vacuum that will just consume – and not grant – it. I know that he is lost to me forever, and I still blame myself. I still blame myself for losing him, for being weak, for giving him up, and for lying to myself. I still condemn myself for killing myself by means of letting him go.

There is more to life than him, thank God. There are things that I need to focus on, things that I need to think about. I have my personal responsibilities, I have my career to take care of, I have personal goals that I need to fulfill. I have a lot on my plate. These things oftentimes preoccupy my thoughts, yet, I cannot escape from that burning truth – that I need someone to love me, I need someone I can share myself with, I found him and I set him free. I sound desperate, I know. A side of me is even condemning myself for feeling this, as I write this. Yet, it is a truth I cannot get away from…

One thing that fascinate me the most is my desire to always be there for him, no matter what. There are times that his dual nature would just shrug me off and push me away. Yet I stay. I am surprised that I wanted to be there for him because I know  that he needed someone to understand him and truly care for him. It is sick that I don’t want him to suffer like the way I am feeling. Yet, does he ever thing about me the same way? Does he even want the same thing for me? I do not know, and I do not care. I want him to be happy, that is all.

In one conversation we had, he called me a blessing. Yet I call myself “Cursed” still. Note that a blessing ignored is a curse, and I feel that way sometimes. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging on to a weakening strand of hope – even if I already know that there is nothing left in him, nothing that will give me a reason to ever go back.

There is more to life than falling in love, yes. Yet, I would gladly do it over and over with him. I would bleed willingly and joyfully. Because with him, I feel alive. And together, I know that there is more to life…

© CCM; 18-04-11

Lips touched in a split of time.
Until eventually I called you mine.
Fourteen days of incessant musings,
Not realizing how dangerous is falling.

You touched my hand and shared peace,
Looked in my eyes and sealed my lips with a kiss.
Until the lovesong faded and the sun shone,
A dark secret you keep was made known.

I want to hate you, but I can’t,
‘Cause I am still thankful for the times we spent.
I want to ignore the feeling and make my heart numb,
Never for a dare I would again succumb…

© CCM

_______________________

For the girl I know… Blame the game and not the players. You are a player as well, and the only mistake you have done is to lay your heart on the line. Let him go, and be happy that you have known things sooner, instead of you falling deeply only to be deeply hurt in the end. He doesn’t deserve a love as strong as what you have. 🙂

The past is always a fragment of who we are. It is a portion of ourselves that helped us become the person we are in the present. It never fails to bring out a gamut of human emotions, good and bad. No matter how much we deny it, we find solace in it, a calming feeling.

I had a chance on seeing someone this week and she gave me a box that I left when I once lived with her. A box that is so plain and boring, a bit dusty as it was kept in her closet for more than six years. I recognized it and it bore my name in my handwriting, so I took it from her and opened it. And I was surprised as to what I saw.

There infront of me are letters given to me by random people, an old box of chocolates, some paper flowers, old movie and concert tickets, little ribbons, small notes, and a couple of other little items. I was surprised that she kept it, even more surprised that I had this habit of collecting whatever is given to me, big or small. I was stunned that indeed, I am a person of great sentimentality. Or am I just a prisoner of my past, like what I always had been?

I took the box home, and suddenly found myself reading through small notes and letters, checking each chocolate wrapper, looking at each folded flower, appreciating small poems sent to me… all while walking down an alley of my past. I suddenly felt like I am lighting up one dark alley of the past, an alley whose streetlights were once shut down, by the lonely soul in me. I find myself playing memories in my head, reliving each moment spent with friends and other people close to me.

The feeling is strange. I suddenly miss these old friends and began to wonder where they are right now. I began to think of how kismet brought us together, and how changes, chances, decisions, and opportunities made us all drift apart. There is a small fragment of my soul that feels happy because I know that in one way or another, I was able to experience the bliss of pure friendship and there is that much people who once cared for me and appreciated who and what I am – the friends I lost in time. I am happy that some even appreciated who and what I have become – the friends I still keep with me. And mostly, I am happy for the lessons I have learned in all that decade, lessons that molded me and made me the person I am now.

I was asked as to what I would do to it, and I decided to burn the box. Right now, the mementos are not important. I do not need reminders, I do not need to keep items just to keep the memories alive. The memories are already here with me, etched in my soul, never will they fade. I will always remember each face inside that box, each memory, each lesson learned. Afterall, what matters is not what you did together, but what you LEARNED together.

To the person who kept these for me, thank you. To each face inside the box of memories, you will always be remembered. To my friends who stayed, you are all appreciated… I will then take a step back to reality with a smile on my face with these new discoveries.

© CMN

♫♪ “Fear of rejection kept my love inside… ‘Cause I’ve got no fear of losin’ you, you can’t lose what you never had” ~Westlife ♫♪

He is a happy person who radiates a feeling of warmth to people around him. At least, that is how I see him. We have been in the same workplace for more than two years, spent some time together out of work, and we even have moments wherein we would just sit down and talk about anything that we can think of. During our low moments, when he says he is there, we know for certain that he is. I like him being that way. Not until he fell in love (at least, that is how he call it). It could have been easy for us to push him to chase that person’s attention. But he is not the straight guy (believe me, if not for his bright yellow skinny pants, you would not figure it out) and he fell in love with a guy. He suddenly changed. His smiles are not as sincere as they were, his laughters somehow sounds fake, and he is wearing this mask all along. Maybe it is my sensitivity to people which made me distinguish the uncanny state that he is in.

One thing I know is that he is in pain. They are not friends (acquaintances perhaps, but when I say friends, I am talking about something deeper), but they know each other. They are Facebook friends, but they never exchange a single form of interaction. Yet, he feels pain every time he sees him. Pain maybe because he knows that liking that person meant that the feeling would never be reciprocated, or maybe because he is afraid of being rejected. Or moreso, he is afraid that when he finds out, the next thing he would get is the who-are-you type of treatment from the person he likes. We once told him to go take the risk, let him know and be ready for the consequences. But then, while writing this and putting myself at his shoes, I suddenly realized that it is indeed hard for him.

How would you look at someone straight in the eye and tell that person you love him while at the back of your mind you know that he wanted someone who is 100% different than you are? How would you tell someone how you feel without worrying if he would laugh at you, much worse, ignore you? How would you tell yourself  that you can take the risk and live with the consequences when in reality, just the thought of losing him drives you crazy? Would you face the aftermath? Would you chase the feeling? Now, those are questions I even had a hard time answering. And let us face it, we cannot push him to risk it all. The only thing he can do is change the way he feel about the situation. Go out there and be thankful that he happened in his life.

I know that he will eventually read this and I don’t know what his reaction would be. After my attempt to understand what could have possibly been the cause of his unusual behavior,  I began to see things I haven’t considered before. Now, instead of teasing him how a scaredy-cat he is, I would just keep my “words of wisdom” (as he calls it) plain and simple. “Savor the moment while it’s there in your heart and be thankful that it happened. Yet, there are perspectives that he needs  to think about and in my attempt to keep it plain and simple, see the list below.

> Love is not just because you find the person attractive and ideal. It is also about embracing one’s imperfections and coping up with one’s “being human”. – I know it sounds cliche. I have read this a million times before. But its true. We can never say we love someone if all we feel is just some sort of physical attraction. Remember that love is not just about how you two look good together, its also about feeling so right for each other, despite the smell of his feet, the way he farts, and the funny sound of his burp.

> It is a part of human nature to want something we can’t have. – Do you really want to be with that person or do you see him as a challenge? A trophy you can be proud of. (I  know that it is the former, but we can’t stop people from believing it’s the latter).

> Love all you want, but leave some fragments for yourself. – When love fails, at least you have little seeds of love you can plant and nurture.

> We tend to love, then hate the thing we love the most. Destroy it, then love it again. – Enjoy the feeling and don’t let it change you. Because when the day comes that you realized that you fell so much in love with the idea of being in love, you would alter your behavior that would thwart the real you.

> Things happen for a reason, people are brought to your life so they can serve a lesson. – That is one thing that would be very difficult for you to fathom. Just always remember that God speaks to you in all ways possible, so be open to whatever things would transpire as it is surely a way for God to mold you to become a better person.

Maybe, it is not just him who is experiencing a love that they cannot seem to have. We all passed by a stage in our lives when our northern star seemed unreachable. The lesson is, listen to the experience and trust that it will mold you to become a better person. Do not hold back, love all you want. Never expect. Just be thankful that it happened to you and make the most of it.  As I close, I think about what the song is all about… Maybe it is what cripples us from loving and enjoying the feeling, FEAR. Again, if we love someone and the person rejects us, it doesn’t mean we lost the person. The person was an instrument for us to feel how wonderful what love is. Them stepping in our lives is enough for us to tell ourselves that we can keep them (maybe not physically, but the lesson they gave and the part they played) in our lives.

(This part goes out to you, my dear friend:) I know you are hurting, I could feel it. But you can always look at things in a different perspective, and eventually, you can change what you feel about your situation. You said you know you don’t have the right to be hurt since he is not yours anyway. By all means, you are rightful of the feeling,- whether that may be love, joy , or pain – it is for you to own. No one said it is wrong. We are just here.

© CMN