Posts Tagged ‘infatuation’

Is it fair to seek solace from someone just because someone we love so dearly chose to hurt us? Is it fair to run into someone else’s arms so that we can escape the pain that we feel? If we stay stuck with that someone, is it giving justice to the heart that has been shattered and broken by someone else?

As I am typing this, I can mutter to myself that I know the answer. Two strong letters – NO. I learned this the hard way… Hard enough that I feel like it’s not just my heart that has been broken, it seems like my soul also died when I fell too bad. I learned this lesson mistake after mistake, regret after regret… And no one knows, but everyday, I have to live, to survive; and the memories that I replay over and over in my head help me through each day.

I was devastated and was suffering for two long years, longing for someone I thought will never come back. I eventually learned that the person from my past is happy with someone, and a large chunk of my dying soul knows that I should move on.  And it was four years ago, on this very day, when I sought solace in the arms of someone. It was that long ago when I entrusted him not only a fragment of my heart, I also gave him my freedom. I gave him the gun and allowed him to point it in my head, yet trusted him not to pull the trigger. In all fairness, he was caring. He was responsible, understanding, conversant – he was technically someone I will wish to have with me. There were mishaps, yet, we were able to work things out. He has been supportive, he was my motivator. He was that one person who listens to my crazy thoughts and never judged. He was that one person I know I can always draw strength from. There was even an instance when I was drowning (literally) and he risked his life just to save me. It was one of the best memories I have of the person he used to be.

Four years… I wonder where we are now. I don’t know what happened to us. We eventually ended up living our own lives, chasing our own dreams, thinking about ourselves and disregarding each other’s emotions. I do not know when it started, or how long this relationship (if there is still one) will last.

What ticked me off? Maybe it is him being too controlling. Maybe it was the whole “you-cannot-wear-make-up-and-heels-and-skirts thing” that made me lose myself in the process. I got too comfortable with the fact that I am living up to his standards that I suddenly wake up one day and realized that I no longer can see the person I used to be. I woke up one day seeking for the old persona that was once me, struggling to outshine the version that he made of me. I won this battle against personal pride that I ended up getting promotions in exchange of constantly pushing myself to the limits. What ticked him off? Maybe it was my lack of time, maybe it was my growing desire to improve myself, maybe it is when I talk back in attempt to drive my point, maybe it is about my responsibilities, maybe it is his monster ego… He started going out alone, usually away for most of the weekends which is the only time I can spend with him. He chose not to inform me of his whereabouts. He kept his distance by watching movies alone. Until I stopped asking for him to share those with me, until I learned to spend more time with other people, until I enjoyed the fact that I am being myself, until I realized that I can be happy without him… Until I got used to how he was taking me for granted that I am not looking for him anymore… And right now, there is one thought that we should stop this or else we will end up hating each other…

I wanted to walk away, like I felt when we first realized that we cannot work out individual differences. Then, I was scared that he will not come running after me, so I chose to stay and spare myself the pain. Right now, I do not know whether I stayed because I loved him, or if I just did because I don’t want to be broken again. I found out the answers I was dying for, the truth. The truth that if I run away, he will not chase me, nor follow me… The truth that I am already insignificant. I am not really bothered by that. I have learned to accept  that love fades in time. Maybe his did, and mine slowly falters… That is the way of life and that cycle is something that we cannot stop.

Well, fourth year. In our educational system, fourth year means High School Graduation… Maybe we are just meant to teach each other lessons, and move on from there, living our separate lives. I am lost, really. A part of me wants to make it work still. Yet, I know that I will lie to myself and I will eventually hate him if I do. A part of me just wants to run away, seek my place in the sun, wait for that one soul that my heart is crying out loud for.

For those who know the story, thank you for standing up by me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. For those who don’t and thinks that I am the one at fault, thank you. I can never please people and most of the time, humans have the tendency to hold half-truths and half-lies to be true. Continue thinking that it was me that should be blamed if you want to, but I will never explain to anyone – I seriously don’t have to…

©CCM ~ 26/04/2011

 

Lips touched in a split of time.
Until eventually I called you mine.
Fourteen days of incessant musings,
Not realizing how dangerous is falling.

You touched my hand and shared peace,
Looked in my eyes and sealed my lips with a kiss.
Until the lovesong faded and the sun shone,
A dark secret you keep was made known.

I want to hate you, but I can’t,
‘Cause I am still thankful for the times we spent.
I want to ignore the feeling and make my heart numb,
Never for a dare I would again succumb…

© CCM

_______________________

For the girl I know… Blame the game and not the players. You are a player as well, and the only mistake you have done is to lay your heart on the line. Let him go, and be happy that you have known things sooner, instead of you falling deeply only to be deeply hurt in the end. He doesn’t deserve a love as strong as what you have. 🙂

It is indeed melancholy that is cradling me right now. I don’t understand but for some reasons, the URLs of some old blogs came rushing in my head slowly swallowing me whole. I decided to check on them, and was surprised when I saw these poems written for me by someone from my past. As I read each word, old feelings overtake me, and I suddenly find myself crying in pain, knowing that the man behind these words is lost to me forever. The poems bring back painful memories, fragments of a happy past, of a love so deep and true, that I wasted.

(Note: I do not own any of these poems.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts of Love
The sunset has faded once more,
Gone are its radiant hues
That warmed the end of my day.
The darkness of night envelopes me.
The air is still, the quietness of evening deafening.

I sit and ponder the past and question the future.
Memories, thoughts, flooding my mind.
Just like a pond when a stone is cast upon it,
So are the rippling effects borne by my heart and soul.

The innocence of a child’s daydreams
Now are transformed into a woman’s world of
reality.
For so long I guarded my thoughts and feelings
Keeping them locked behind closed doors,
Allowing no one in.
You entered my world and became part of it.
I learned to trust someone as would a child,
And in doing so gave you the key.
A key that unlocked privacy secured for so long.
Fantasies became reality, untapped passions
unbridled.
A tenderness and gentleness I’d never known
Warmed and comforted me.
Finally I knew what it meant to be a woman.

With the dawn of each new day I am reminded
Of the warmth, the closeness we share.

An Angel Cared
Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
Muscles tensing, heart’s wrenching, longing for release
Walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
Frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
All color drains from my world, subtle shades of gray permeate
Broken shards cast illusions, hope falsely propagates
A former warrior, battle tested, I frantically disguise my fears
Resolve dissolves, nervousness abounds as my refuge disappears
As autumn’s cycle nears an end, the ice begins to advance
Stealthily attacking, patiently awaiting for a perfect chance
A frozen heart, desolate and bare, obscures all that would try to see
The warmth reflected, gives off no heat, illusions mask reality
On hands and knees, mumbling pleas, I search for sanctuary
To glimpse beyond this desolation, to a world of possibility
Eyes closed, perceptions peeked, it hovers beyond my reach
A whispered supplication, alone, these barriers I cannot breach
A gentle touch, delicate and warm, I feel her reach for me
Chasing back the shadows, an angel, cradles my sanity
Relaxing, drifting, smiling, I find comfort in her embrace
My savior and redeemer, a sassy smile upon her face
I close my eyes and search within, I’ll trust my instincts this time
I feel a heart of gold as her passion’s unfold, a beauty so sublime
Peace radiates from her body, a warmth soaks into my soul
A smile reflects a love so deep, my heart I cannot control
Illusions shimmer and are gone, my world is bright and true
Spring marches forth with determination as my life begins anew
To pass beyond is what I sought, but dreams do not compare
To the reality of this wonderland graced by an angel so fair
Dreams shared, rendezvous dared, we joined together as one
The bonds of my enslavement have been lifted, my battle finally won
No regrets can be found, my reflections bring no remorse
Love that binds, as the tendrils climbed lead me down this course
Peace and comfort fill my soul where once only chaos dared
Now love emanates, peace radiates, because an angel cared

As Days Flew By
The very first time I saw you,
Was special how we met.
You took me by complete surprise.
I knew my heart was set.

As days flew by, we talked again,
But you never seemed to care.
I tried my best to help you out,
By a favor here, or a favor there.

Although I made a fast approach,
Our friendship grew and grew.
I realized how deep I cared,
But the feeling I felt was new.

In time I became attached to you.
From a hug, I wouldn’t let go.
I soon saw how close we were,
And the feeling was good to know.

For you, I wrote sweet letters and songs.
You were on my mind all day.
The thought of sleeping was nowhere near,
Unless I knew you were okay.

It hit me then, what I was in –
A unique and precious love.
For the person I said was only mine,
Was an angel sent from above.

The minutes without you turned into days,
And the seconds with you flew fast.
I could only wish to see you more,
And make each moment last.

The times I spent with you,
Were what made my heart complete.
I knew one thing for sure,
Without you, my future was obsolete.

And now, we love just the same,
As it doubles day by day.
I stare deep into your precious eyes,
Yet I’m still speechless to what I should say.

With you, I’m in a whole new world.
You bring out the best in me.
It’s hard to picture you not there,
When you taught me who to be.

Yes, the road ahead gets hard,
When things may only seem rough.
But because you and I try so much,
We’ll stay strong and get by tough.

Though problems may lie ahead someday,
And either of us could be right;
I promise to always be by your side,
And I promise my heart, so hold it tight.

And so, each night, beside my bed,
When there’s only bright stars to see;
I pray that we may never give up,
And will always remain you and me.

Where is My Lovely One?
With her smile and swing of neck,
back – look as goodbye,
steals the evening joytrail.
Like a plane in the sky,
to holiday, summer away.
A clear blue sky
in the summer evening.

Where does she move and how?
When she goes to someone else
does she move like that too?
or do they see that.

It is a lovely thing to fall,
fall, fall in love.
in love with a girl,
enchanted lips of smiles,
and happy eyes of light,
not even Anthony saw in
Cleopatra this shine.

Twenty seven kisses,
for twenty seven days,
of this months meeting,
in her arms, empty and emptied.

Twenty seven roses for my love.
Love, a prism of crystal light
a rainbow through a glass
refracting colour light, bright.

Ah my lovely one, .
of twenty seven kisses,
of twenty seven roses,
and will she think of me?

Will she think of me
after the perfume waft has faded,
and I a shuffling slow breathless
and no longer handsome.

Will they be pressed twist pages
where this poem rests,
close to our breast.

For love is not foolish,
nor do roses fade.

The Proposal
A soft breeze gently rustles
the golden leaves that have fallen
scattered about,
below the twisted grey branches
of the tree
from which we used to swing.

Our names, carved by the hand
of this tenderhearted young boy,
still echo love,
of youth and of each other.

I now take your hand in mine,
and beneath the shadow of this tree,
a testament and reminder of our love,
I ask that we never allow it to fade
into the grayness of those limbs
or to dry and crumble like the leaves
that have fallen to the ground.

But that we allow it to grow
ever upward, and to be strong,
as the trunk of the great tree itself
that bears the evidence of this great love,
which beneath its arms began.

Just There
Where you were,
I did not see you.

So close to me,
but yet so veiled.

Quietly you waited,
upon my invitations;
but still, somehow,
I failed to note

of you, yearning
to be with me,
but finding
just

a void.

So sadly,
you retreated;
bowed, dejected.

Finally when I knew
of you, your devotion,
so foolishly I did feel,
like a simpleton.

For I had looked
so very hard for you,
up/down/everywhere.

but I just did not looked
clear, in front of me,
where you were

. . . just there.

– RKAM

I bleed as I fight this thing I feel
I’m losing hopes and strength as I come to kneel
From the flight I ended up with broken wings
Envelope myself in misery for the pain this love brings

The universe inside my heart collide
My tears fell down as I cried
This thing I feel engulfs my sanity
But it should manifest, my act of bravery

I fight so that I won’t end up asking myself ‘what if’
Though I fail, I rise, my spirit given a lift
I don’t want to regret one day and tell myself ‘if only’
So I gamble with the littlest of my possibilities

Colors drain from my world as shades of gray propagate
I fight, though without a heart to call my own, though no one appreciates
Yet, as a warrior worn out from endless battles
My energy slowly drains; my heart weakens from its struggles

I reach out for a smile, a touch of you
While praying someday, you’ll feel the same way for me too
But I know your heart I could never win
For it belongs to someone I could never be

I know I should set you free though it breaks my heart in two
But I accepted it; you’ll never feel the way I do
Letting go doesn’t mean I’m weak, so is my reluctance of laying all my cards
It’s my strength of fighting the urge of wanting something I’m not supposed to have

Goodbye my dear one though it’s tearing me apart
Go to where your dreams lead you and take away my heart
Thanks for making me smile; I would love you still without doubts
Begone! Away! I’ll stop myself from reaching out.

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are times when we feel like we have been holding on to something that is not really made for us. There are times that we reach out for something which is not intended for us. The only way to set our souls free, is the time when we stop reaching out… Just let destiny and fate take control…

♫♪ “Fear of rejection kept my love inside… ‘Cause I’ve got no fear of losin’ you, you can’t lose what you never had” ~Westlife ♫♪

He is a happy person who radiates a feeling of warmth to people around him. At least, that is how I see him. We have been in the same workplace for more than two years, spent some time together out of work, and we even have moments wherein we would just sit down and talk about anything that we can think of. During our low moments, when he says he is there, we know for certain that he is. I like him being that way. Not until he fell in love (at least, that is how he call it). It could have been easy for us to push him to chase that person’s attention. But he is not the straight guy (believe me, if not for his bright yellow skinny pants, you would not figure it out) and he fell in love with a guy. He suddenly changed. His smiles are not as sincere as they were, his laughters somehow sounds fake, and he is wearing this mask all along. Maybe it is my sensitivity to people which made me distinguish the uncanny state that he is in.

One thing I know is that he is in pain. They are not friends (acquaintances perhaps, but when I say friends, I am talking about something deeper), but they know each other. They are Facebook friends, but they never exchange a single form of interaction. Yet, he feels pain every time he sees him. Pain maybe because he knows that liking that person meant that the feeling would never be reciprocated, or maybe because he is afraid of being rejected. Or moreso, he is afraid that when he finds out, the next thing he would get is the who-are-you type of treatment from the person he likes. We once told him to go take the risk, let him know and be ready for the consequences. But then, while writing this and putting myself at his shoes, I suddenly realized that it is indeed hard for him.

How would you look at someone straight in the eye and tell that person you love him while at the back of your mind you know that he wanted someone who is 100% different than you are? How would you tell someone how you feel without worrying if he would laugh at you, much worse, ignore you? How would you tell yourself  that you can take the risk and live with the consequences when in reality, just the thought of losing him drives you crazy? Would you face the aftermath? Would you chase the feeling? Now, those are questions I even had a hard time answering. And let us face it, we cannot push him to risk it all. The only thing he can do is change the way he feel about the situation. Go out there and be thankful that he happened in his life.

I know that he will eventually read this and I don’t know what his reaction would be. After my attempt to understand what could have possibly been the cause of his unusual behavior,  I began to see things I haven’t considered before. Now, instead of teasing him how a scaredy-cat he is, I would just keep my “words of wisdom” (as he calls it) plain and simple. “Savor the moment while it’s there in your heart and be thankful that it happened. Yet, there are perspectives that he needs  to think about and in my attempt to keep it plain and simple, see the list below.

> Love is not just because you find the person attractive and ideal. It is also about embracing one’s imperfections and coping up with one’s “being human”. – I know it sounds cliche. I have read this a million times before. But its true. We can never say we love someone if all we feel is just some sort of physical attraction. Remember that love is not just about how you two look good together, its also about feeling so right for each other, despite the smell of his feet, the way he farts, and the funny sound of his burp.

> It is a part of human nature to want something we can’t have. – Do you really want to be with that person or do you see him as a challenge? A trophy you can be proud of. (I  know that it is the former, but we can’t stop people from believing it’s the latter).

> Love all you want, but leave some fragments for yourself. – When love fails, at least you have little seeds of love you can plant and nurture.

> We tend to love, then hate the thing we love the most. Destroy it, then love it again. – Enjoy the feeling and don’t let it change you. Because when the day comes that you realized that you fell so much in love with the idea of being in love, you would alter your behavior that would thwart the real you.

> Things happen for a reason, people are brought to your life so they can serve a lesson. – That is one thing that would be very difficult for you to fathom. Just always remember that God speaks to you in all ways possible, so be open to whatever things would transpire as it is surely a way for God to mold you to become a better person.

Maybe, it is not just him who is experiencing a love that they cannot seem to have. We all passed by a stage in our lives when our northern star seemed unreachable. The lesson is, listen to the experience and trust that it will mold you to become a better person. Do not hold back, love all you want. Never expect. Just be thankful that it happened to you and make the most of it.  As I close, I think about what the song is all about… Maybe it is what cripples us from loving and enjoying the feeling, FEAR. Again, if we love someone and the person rejects us, it doesn’t mean we lost the person. The person was an instrument for us to feel how wonderful what love is. Them stepping in our lives is enough for us to tell ourselves that we can keep them (maybe not physically, but the lesson they gave and the part they played) in our lives.

(This part goes out to you, my dear friend:) I know you are hurting, I could feel it. But you can always look at things in a different perspective, and eventually, you can change what you feel about your situation. You said you know you don’t have the right to be hurt since he is not yours anyway. By all means, you are rightful of the feeling,- whether that may be love, joy , or pain – it is for you to own. No one said it is wrong. We are just here.

© CMN