Posts Tagged ‘music’

“Mine Again” by Black Lab

 

For some peculiar reasons, he asked me to watch this video. The song doesn’t really matter, but the content itself does.

I keep looking back at how we had been, at how things have gone for us, and how we have carried on in all those years. Questions flood my mind to the point of insanity. Wasn’t I good enough? What have I done to deserve such pain? Why is it happening? What have I done wrong?

I guess these don’t matter anymore. Whatever I say or do, things will never get back to what they used to be – and he will no longer believe me. I have caused him pain and he had done the same, we hurt each other in ways we never thought possible, we lied, we cried – we coped up in ways we never can imagine. It is hard to admit that we have grown apart in all those four years, instead of growing together. Yet, it happened.

People wonder why we are still together, why we share the same bed, why we still call ourselves "a couple". It is hard to understand, I know, as I am having the same thoughts sometimes. I honestly do not know what binds us now, whether it is the fact that we are committed, or the fact that God has plans for us. I wanted to consider the whole romantic side of it, but it will drive the stake deeper into my heart and I am already hurting so bad that I know I will not afford more of it.

I am at a loss, that is certain. I know that this is normally the point when one has to leave and say it is over. But there is something that keeps holding me back, keeping me rooted to where I am. There is this voice that tells me that I should stay where I am. I know that it is almost over, we are about to face the end. Yet, there is that little piece of me saying that everything will be worth it in the end.

A look back on my past relationships tells me that I am a coward. I haven’t really stayed during the tough times. I always feel like I am the deficiency in every relationship that I have been in. And I always run away. Maybe that is also the reason why I still stay. A part of me wanted to change the way I handle things, the way I see myself, and the way I see perspectives. I want to fight for this until the bitter end, or until the battle is won.

The future is uncertain. I see clouds, I can feel the rain tapping on me. The road ahead is dark and every step will be uncertain. Yet, I will die trying.

© CCMN 08.04.11

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“For you,
It’s safe to say that I don’t know you, and I probably never will. I know that in life, you deserve the best, even more than what it is you already have.
I see everyday that you’re not always happy and the girl that strings along your side is the only thing that looks happy. But i can honestly say I don’t know what’s going on, and I wish I did.
I wish I could tell you that there are better things that are out there just for you. You work to live and I can see it holds you back of your true potential. I want to know the most deep set goals of your heart and I want you to go for those before someone manages to change that for you.
I am also very aware that I am not blinded by this “love”. I can see things the way I know I have to, and I have to live with that. I know that it will not be a dream world that people portray to have when they love somebody. I know that if I had you, I will always get a temper and be jealous and be afraid. I know that I will always be worried that I am a problem, a mistake… And I don’t believe I’m good enough. I will argue and pick fights. I’d be afraid you’re with the other girls because you don’t realize how beautiful you are.
I am willing to live with this for as long as I am breathing. I can also tell you that as long as you have another woman in your life, I will live in torment and anguish knowing that you are making a mistake. I will not interfere unless your eyes beg for it. I know that you will not publicly agree with me, nor will you want to admit that I am right. In your heart I know that after this you will realize. You may also tell yourself that I am like the others who have tried for you.
I can hope and pray that one day it will work out between us. One day it will all come together and you will know. I will be worth the arguments and mishaps in life. I hope that you can see this as I do. I pray that all the things you hope and wish for come true. I will support everything you want to do, no matter what it is. Wherever it is you want to go, whatever it is you want to see, and however it is you plan to do it. I will be there.
I will wait as long as I have to just to know that I will have you. Just wait and see. Whenever that happens I can promise you that I will be worth coming home to every night. Please open your eyes, open your heart.
I love you, more than you can imagine…”

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A few friends gave me the impetus to write about goodbyes and a James Blunt song (Goodbye My Lover) made me think about closures (or the lack of it). For some reasons, the thought co-existed with the burning melancholy soaking my soul, and the pain it reminds me of made me sink deeper.

In my life, I passed by a couple of relationships. I saw the uncanny way love blossoms, blooms, wilts, and dies. I’ve hurt some people, and I have felt pain too. I walked out of some lives – by choice and by force. And I witnessed how one or two walked away from me – without looking back. The experiences I had made me attempt so hard on avoiding the words “goodbye”, “farewell”, and “the end” treating them like plagues. And the pain made me understand why people in relationships tend to do the same.

There was a point in time that I have lost a love so deep that I can literally felt the pain of the break-up creeping in my veins. I nearly destroyed myself at one point in time, thinking that life will never be the same without that person. During that time, I felt like my soul died. I lost my soul on my own labyrinthine maze, and I allowed it to drift on an endless ocean of tears and misery. Until one hand pulled me up and carried me home. It was when I realized the truths about goodbyes.

I learned that goodbyes are designed to complete us and not to break us. The irony of it is that we focus so much on the pain, on the delusion that the person and the love he gave was something worth keeping, and we failed to realize that the gift of separation means that they have done their mission – that is to touch our lives and teach us life’s lessons. I learned that goodbyes is a way of God to make us stronger, make us realize the things that we have to improve on, make us strive harder to become a better person – as He wants us to prepare for that something big that He has in store for us.

Gibran once said that “pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”. And indeed it’s true. The pain cracked me, and made me see the person that I wanted to be, it made me see the person that I am. And thus, the pain allowed me to rise and struggle to become one with myself. I stopped complaining (at least, most of the time) and learned to accept that things are just not going to work the way they are supposed to. And no matter how much we try to keep them, people will play a role in our lives, but they are not always designed to stay.

It is really hard to look at goodbye on that perspective, I know. But that is one esoteric truth on human existence, and we cannot change that. It is the way it is supposed to be.

Closures. I hate the feel of the word. I saw how people craved for this, especially for people who left a relationship hanging. People who had been with open-ended relationships sought it, as they thought they needed it for them to be able to move on. But I think otherwise.

When the person stopped caring, when the person stopped loving, when the person walked away – we should call it the end. They left you hanging because they could never be brave enough to end it themselves. Yes, it would hurt for a while and would make you feel lied to and cheated on, because closures are designed that way – to inflict more suffering and more tension to the human emotions. These people leaving should be enough reason for us to figure out that they have done their part in our self-realization. And we do not need expose the wounds and hurt ourselves in the process. Set them free. Thank the universe that it happened and pick up your broken pieces along with the lessons you should learn out of the experience.

It is not as difficult as it seems. It can happen to you, the way it happened to me. Acceptance. That’s a start. Accept the reality and accept the situation. Admit to yourself that you made mistakes, and correct them by making sure that you would not do it in your next relationships. Whatever you learned from the person, carry it with you with no remorse. When you accepted it, it will be easier for you to set them free. And since they are the source of your pain, removing them in your life would also make the pain go away.

Do not be afraid of closing doors, nor being trapped in one. Closing doors means a conscious effort of being a better person, and opening closed ones is a way of liberating yourself to become a grander version of who you are. Either way, you have to make a move, just like I did. And with that move, I can never be any more than happy.

© CMN