Posts Tagged ‘self help’

Is it fair to seek solace from someone just because someone we love so dearly chose to hurt us? Is it fair to run into someone else’s arms so that we can escape the pain that we feel? If we stay stuck with that someone, is it giving justice to the heart that has been shattered and broken by someone else?

As I am typing this, I can mutter to myself that I know the answer. Two strong letters – NO. I learned this the hard way… Hard enough that I feel like it’s not just my heart that has been broken, it seems like my soul also died when I fell too bad. I learned this lesson mistake after mistake, regret after regret… And no one knows, but everyday, I have to live, to survive; and the memories that I replay over and over in my head help me through each day.

I was devastated and was suffering for two long years, longing for someone I thought will never come back. I eventually learned that the person from my past is happy with someone, and a large chunk of my dying soul knows that I should move on.  And it was four years ago, on this very day, when I sought solace in the arms of someone. It was that long ago when I entrusted him not only a fragment of my heart, I also gave him my freedom. I gave him the gun and allowed him to point it in my head, yet trusted him not to pull the trigger. In all fairness, he was caring. He was responsible, understanding, conversant – he was technically someone I will wish to have with me. There were mishaps, yet, we were able to work things out. He has been supportive, he was my motivator. He was that one person who listens to my crazy thoughts and never judged. He was that one person I know I can always draw strength from. There was even an instance when I was drowning (literally) and he risked his life just to save me. It was one of the best memories I have of the person he used to be.

Four years… I wonder where we are now. I don’t know what happened to us. We eventually ended up living our own lives, chasing our own dreams, thinking about ourselves and disregarding each other’s emotions. I do not know when it started, or how long this relationship (if there is still one) will last.

What ticked me off? Maybe it is him being too controlling. Maybe it was the whole “you-cannot-wear-make-up-and-heels-and-skirts thing” that made me lose myself in the process. I got too comfortable with the fact that I am living up to his standards that I suddenly wake up one day and realized that I no longer can see the person I used to be. I woke up one day seeking for the old persona that was once me, struggling to outshine the version that he made of me. I won this battle against personal pride that I ended up getting promotions in exchange of constantly pushing myself to the limits. What ticked him off? Maybe it was my lack of time, maybe it was my growing desire to improve myself, maybe it is when I talk back in attempt to drive my point, maybe it is about my responsibilities, maybe it is his monster ego… He started going out alone, usually away for most of the weekends which is the only time I can spend with him. He chose not to inform me of his whereabouts. He kept his distance by watching movies alone. Until I stopped asking for him to share those with me, until I learned to spend more time with other people, until I enjoyed the fact that I am being myself, until I realized that I can be happy without him… Until I got used to how he was taking me for granted that I am not looking for him anymore… And right now, there is one thought that we should stop this or else we will end up hating each other…

I wanted to walk away, like I felt when we first realized that we cannot work out individual differences. Then, I was scared that he will not come running after me, so I chose to stay and spare myself the pain. Right now, I do not know whether I stayed because I loved him, or if I just did because I don’t want to be broken again. I found out the answers I was dying for, the truth. The truth that if I run away, he will not chase me, nor follow me… The truth that I am already insignificant. I am not really bothered by that. I have learned to accept  that love fades in time. Maybe his did, and mine slowly falters… That is the way of life and that cycle is something that we cannot stop.

Well, fourth year. In our educational system, fourth year means High School Graduation… Maybe we are just meant to teach each other lessons, and move on from there, living our separate lives. I am lost, really. A part of me wants to make it work still. Yet, I know that I will lie to myself and I will eventually hate him if I do. A part of me just wants to run away, seek my place in the sun, wait for that one soul that my heart is crying out loud for.

For those who know the story, thank you for standing up by me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. For those who don’t and thinks that I am the one at fault, thank you. I can never please people and most of the time, humans have the tendency to hold half-truths and half-lies to be true. Continue thinking that it was me that should be blamed if you want to, but I will never explain to anyone – I seriously don’t have to…

©CCM ~ 26/04/2011

 

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Night, Cha. There is more to life than falling in love. Smile

It was a message sent to me by a friend. It was short, yet it haunted me. It is true, yet not so true.

Suddenly, I find  myself walking down the path of my well-kept memories. I found him there, standing and looking at me, waiting for me patiently. He smiled at me, kissed my cheek, and hugged me. I hugged him back, took his hand, and walked with him towards the bus stop… We were sitting beside each other, holding hands, enjoying the peace and comfort each one radiates… I was playing with his nephews, I was running all over their place chasing the kids, he was yelling so we would stop ‘cause he was afraid that I would bump my head or skin my knees… I was sitting at a bench reading a book while waiting until his class is over, he suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek, whispered in my ear and told me how much he loved me… We were watching a movie, he was holding me as the coldness sent me shivers… He was kissing me tenderly, and I was kissing him back. The world around us stopped moving, and we are alone, soaked in the magic of a love greater than how we always imagined it… We were crying, holding each other’s hand, talking about how uncertain the future is for us. He swore he loved me, and I uttered the same. My heart was bleeding, and my soul felt like dying that I can no longer utter words to make him feel better. I held him close to me, and he held on me the way a small child would… We were sitting beside each other, looking at the stars. Nobody’s talking, because we know that talking means more pain. We were just holding each other’s hand, savoring the moment, uncertain as to when it would happen one more time… He picked his bags up, and turned his back, walked with his mother towards the big gate. I was left there, looking at him, holding at the car door as I felt my knees weakening… He called to say they were able to check in at the airport and were just waiting for their flight, he professed his love for me, and I did the same. They had to go, we hung up. Afterwards I found myself being consoled by his sister, telling me that things will eventually be okay… He was crying on the phone asking me what was going on, I said “Nothing.” and asked him to just let it go. I used all strength I had so that I would sound apathetic, and he didn’t know that my heart was dying, that my soul is bleeding, and I knew that it was the last of me… Six years after, I find myself looking in his eyes, holding his hand, kissing him one more time, yet I cannot openly say “I love you” like the way I used to, because things are different now. We are living our lives apart and we both know that it is how it should be. It is how fate decided for us both, and no matter how much it hurts me, we must move on…

I think of him ever so often. In my lonely hours, I cannot stop myself from wishing he is here beside me, holding my hand, and giving me that peace, that comfort that only he can give. In the good times, I am wishing he is with me to share the joys I am feeling for that  moment. I so wanted to have him near, because I know that I will never be judged when I am with him, I do not have to put up a mask so that I will be accepted. I know that with him, I can be myself. Yet, reality hits me ever so often and I know that those were just empty wishes, some prayers I shoot to an infinite void, a vacuum that will just consume – and not grant – it. I know that he is lost to me forever, and I still blame myself. I still blame myself for losing him, for being weak, for giving him up, and for lying to myself. I still condemn myself for killing myself by means of letting him go.

There is more to life than him, thank God. There are things that I need to focus on, things that I need to think about. I have my personal responsibilities, I have my career to take care of, I have personal goals that I need to fulfill. I have a lot on my plate. These things oftentimes preoccupy my thoughts, yet, I cannot escape from that burning truth – that I need someone to love me, I need someone I can share myself with, I found him and I set him free. I sound desperate, I know. A side of me is even condemning myself for feeling this, as I write this. Yet, it is a truth I cannot get away from…

One thing that fascinate me the most is my desire to always be there for him, no matter what. There are times that his dual nature would just shrug me off and push me away. Yet I stay. I am surprised that I wanted to be there for him because I know  that he needed someone to understand him and truly care for him. It is sick that I don’t want him to suffer like the way I am feeling. Yet, does he ever thing about me the same way? Does he even want the same thing for me? I do not know, and I do not care. I want him to be happy, that is all.

In one conversation we had, he called me a blessing. Yet I call myself “Cursed” still. Note that a blessing ignored is a curse, and I feel that way sometimes. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging on to a weakening strand of hope – even if I already know that there is nothing left in him, nothing that will give me a reason to ever go back.

There is more to life than falling in love, yes. Yet, I would gladly do it over and over with him. I would bleed willingly and joyfully. Because with him, I feel alive. And together, I know that there is more to life…

© CCM; 18-04-11

In a few hours the year 2010 will end. For some, it is another passing of the year, a change in times. For some, like me, the end of this year marks a new beginning. Before I close the year, let me look back on the year that passed and sum up what makes me feel blessed this 2010. As always, these ramblings would say it all.

> Started the year by celebrating my birthday with two of my most loved females. The actual day of my birthday was spent with my family and closest friend who, with me, prayed for a better year for me.
>  My brother lived with me for a couple of months. I had been far away from him for too long and the experience made me see how much I have missed, and how much I can give just to make things better for him, my sister and me. It made me work double time, whilst I have assumed the responsibility to mold and guide them.
> My sister (whom I sent to college) graduated in April. It was one of my greatest achievements. Well, who would have thought I can do it? Next stop would be sending my brother off to college.
> I got to see old HS friends I haven’t seen in 8 years. We were able to mend old friendships and strengthen existing ones. There I realized that no matter how far we run, there would always be people that you would have to go back to to make you reflect on how far you have gone and how much you have grown.
> I had a near-death experience when I drowned back in May. It was in Quezon Province, and I was swimming when I noticed that the I cannot reach the floor anymore, and I panicked. From that experience, I saw two people overcoming their fears, laying their lives on the line just to save me. It was traumatic. I thank God for what seems to me now as a second life.
> I was able to have a nature trip in Bohol, Philippines with the family. It was all new experience for me as it was my first time to ride a plane, to cross a hanging bridge, to snorkel, and a lot more. It was a totally stress-free weekend.
> Talking about my carreer, I could say I have grown a lot. From an agent to a level two agent, to a Call Monitoring Specialist. The movement is overwhelming, sometimes too surreal, but I am happy that it was a positive movement. Not only that, from work I got to have more than salary and conceptual learnings. From my workplace, I found some inspiration – people I look up to so that I could strive harder, and friends.
> Last month of December is my turning point. I got to see someone from my past and was able to mend old wounds, and set myself free from the guilt that was gnawing at me for half a decade. It izmade me realize things and made me appreciate things and people I already have.

This is too short, too brief. Some events were not even added here. To sum up, 2010 gave me learnings, realizations, and brought me one level up. Now it makes me wish for a better 2011.

_____
© CMN

It is indeed melancholy that is cradling me right now. I don’t understand but for some reasons, the URLs of some old blogs came rushing in my head slowly swallowing me whole. I decided to check on them, and was surprised when I saw these poems written for me by someone from my past. As I read each word, old feelings overtake me, and I suddenly find myself crying in pain, knowing that the man behind these words is lost to me forever. The poems bring back painful memories, fragments of a happy past, of a love so deep and true, that I wasted.

(Note: I do not own any of these poems.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts of Love
The sunset has faded once more,
Gone are its radiant hues
That warmed the end of my day.
The darkness of night envelopes me.
The air is still, the quietness of evening deafening.

I sit and ponder the past and question the future.
Memories, thoughts, flooding my mind.
Just like a pond when a stone is cast upon it,
So are the rippling effects borne by my heart and soul.

The innocence of a child’s daydreams
Now are transformed into a woman’s world of
reality.
For so long I guarded my thoughts and feelings
Keeping them locked behind closed doors,
Allowing no one in.
You entered my world and became part of it.
I learned to trust someone as would a child,
And in doing so gave you the key.
A key that unlocked privacy secured for so long.
Fantasies became reality, untapped passions
unbridled.
A tenderness and gentleness I’d never known
Warmed and comforted me.
Finally I knew what it meant to be a woman.

With the dawn of each new day I am reminded
Of the warmth, the closeness we share.

An Angel Cared
Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
Muscles tensing, heart’s wrenching, longing for release
Walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
Frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
All color drains from my world, subtle shades of gray permeate
Broken shards cast illusions, hope falsely propagates
A former warrior, battle tested, I frantically disguise my fears
Resolve dissolves, nervousness abounds as my refuge disappears
As autumn’s cycle nears an end, the ice begins to advance
Stealthily attacking, patiently awaiting for a perfect chance
A frozen heart, desolate and bare, obscures all that would try to see
The warmth reflected, gives off no heat, illusions mask reality
On hands and knees, mumbling pleas, I search for sanctuary
To glimpse beyond this desolation, to a world of possibility
Eyes closed, perceptions peeked, it hovers beyond my reach
A whispered supplication, alone, these barriers I cannot breach
A gentle touch, delicate and warm, I feel her reach for me
Chasing back the shadows, an angel, cradles my sanity
Relaxing, drifting, smiling, I find comfort in her embrace
My savior and redeemer, a sassy smile upon her face
I close my eyes and search within, I’ll trust my instincts this time
I feel a heart of gold as her passion’s unfold, a beauty so sublime
Peace radiates from her body, a warmth soaks into my soul
A smile reflects a love so deep, my heart I cannot control
Illusions shimmer and are gone, my world is bright and true
Spring marches forth with determination as my life begins anew
To pass beyond is what I sought, but dreams do not compare
To the reality of this wonderland graced by an angel so fair
Dreams shared, rendezvous dared, we joined together as one
The bonds of my enslavement have been lifted, my battle finally won
No regrets can be found, my reflections bring no remorse
Love that binds, as the tendrils climbed lead me down this course
Peace and comfort fill my soul where once only chaos dared
Now love emanates, peace radiates, because an angel cared

As Days Flew By
The very first time I saw you,
Was special how we met.
You took me by complete surprise.
I knew my heart was set.

As days flew by, we talked again,
But you never seemed to care.
I tried my best to help you out,
By a favor here, or a favor there.

Although I made a fast approach,
Our friendship grew and grew.
I realized how deep I cared,
But the feeling I felt was new.

In time I became attached to you.
From a hug, I wouldn’t let go.
I soon saw how close we were,
And the feeling was good to know.

For you, I wrote sweet letters and songs.
You were on my mind all day.
The thought of sleeping was nowhere near,
Unless I knew you were okay.

It hit me then, what I was in –
A unique and precious love.
For the person I said was only mine,
Was an angel sent from above.

The minutes without you turned into days,
And the seconds with you flew fast.
I could only wish to see you more,
And make each moment last.

The times I spent with you,
Were what made my heart complete.
I knew one thing for sure,
Without you, my future was obsolete.

And now, we love just the same,
As it doubles day by day.
I stare deep into your precious eyes,
Yet I’m still speechless to what I should say.

With you, I’m in a whole new world.
You bring out the best in me.
It’s hard to picture you not there,
When you taught me who to be.

Yes, the road ahead gets hard,
When things may only seem rough.
But because you and I try so much,
We’ll stay strong and get by tough.

Though problems may lie ahead someday,
And either of us could be right;
I promise to always be by your side,
And I promise my heart, so hold it tight.

And so, each night, beside my bed,
When there’s only bright stars to see;
I pray that we may never give up,
And will always remain you and me.

Where is My Lovely One?
With her smile and swing of neck,
back – look as goodbye,
steals the evening joytrail.
Like a plane in the sky,
to holiday, summer away.
A clear blue sky
in the summer evening.

Where does she move and how?
When she goes to someone else
does she move like that too?
or do they see that.

It is a lovely thing to fall,
fall, fall in love.
in love with a girl,
enchanted lips of smiles,
and happy eyes of light,
not even Anthony saw in
Cleopatra this shine.

Twenty seven kisses,
for twenty seven days,
of this months meeting,
in her arms, empty and emptied.

Twenty seven roses for my love.
Love, a prism of crystal light
a rainbow through a glass
refracting colour light, bright.

Ah my lovely one, .
of twenty seven kisses,
of twenty seven roses,
and will she think of me?

Will she think of me
after the perfume waft has faded,
and I a shuffling slow breathless
and no longer handsome.

Will they be pressed twist pages
where this poem rests,
close to our breast.

For love is not foolish,
nor do roses fade.

The Proposal
A soft breeze gently rustles
the golden leaves that have fallen
scattered about,
below the twisted grey branches
of the tree
from which we used to swing.

Our names, carved by the hand
of this tenderhearted young boy,
still echo love,
of youth and of each other.

I now take your hand in mine,
and beneath the shadow of this tree,
a testament and reminder of our love,
I ask that we never allow it to fade
into the grayness of those limbs
or to dry and crumble like the leaves
that have fallen to the ground.

But that we allow it to grow
ever upward, and to be strong,
as the trunk of the great tree itself
that bears the evidence of this great love,
which beneath its arms began.

Just There
Where you were,
I did not see you.

So close to me,
but yet so veiled.

Quietly you waited,
upon my invitations;
but still, somehow,
I failed to note

of you, yearning
to be with me,
but finding
just

a void.

So sadly,
you retreated;
bowed, dejected.

Finally when I knew
of you, your devotion,
so foolishly I did feel,
like a simpleton.

For I had looked
so very hard for you,
up/down/everywhere.

but I just did not looked
clear, in front of me,
where you were

. . . just there.

– RKAM

The original poem is written in Filipino (or tagalog) and has been sitting on an old notepad for almost three years now. I remember writing this back in February 2008, on that fateful day that my gran – the one who loved and cared for me the most- died of heart attack. It was a sudden, painless death for her. And it was a day I would never forget...

In English.

The nurses walk to and fro,
One shouts…
And the other.
Their rantings and ramblings deafening,
Slowly killing the frenzied pumping of my chest.
The man in white, walking restlessly.
His sighs,
Somehow calming my cold soul at ease.

I love you. And I may have not shown it.
Thanks. I may not have said it.
I offer you wholeheartedly,
In the hands of the Great Creator.

I’m holding
Your seemingly frozen hands.
Your heart crying, slowing down bit by bit.
I am here.
I would never leave.
You close your eyes.
Sleep soundly.
Be free…

You will live in my memories, forever.

I love you.

In Filipino

Nagkakagulo ang mga nars,
Sigaw dito…
Sigaw doon.
Nakabibingi ang ulaw ng kanilang mga tinig,
na pumapaslang sa kabog ng aking dibdib.
Palakad-lakad yaong taong maputi,
Paroo’t parito, tuliro…
Ang kanyang buntung-hininga
Ang siyang humahakab sa malamig kong kalul’wa.

Mahal kita. Hindi ko man naipadama.
Salamat. Hindi ko man nasambit.
Buong puso kitang iniaalay,
Sa kamay ng Dakilang Lumikha.

Hawak ko,
Ang mala-yelong kamay mo.
Mahina na ang paghiyaw ng iyong lugmok na puso.
Nandirito lang ako.
Hindi kita iiwan.
Ipikit mo na ang iyong mga mata.
Humimbing.
Lumaya ka.

Mabubuhay ka sa aking alaala.
Mahal kita.

© CMN

————–

It has been countless months since the last time I heard their voice, saw their smiles, and shared their hugs. It is so long ago, and yet, I could still feel them near. Constantly watching, guiding, and shedding some divine light for me not to lose my way. When I am sad, I often close my eyes, and relive the memories, replaying my past piece by piece. No matter how long ago they are, they never fail to give me that kick, the kick that sets my eyes in tears.

After hearing a couple of deaths within the month, I realized how fragile life is. I pondered on how short life is. In my lifetime, I watched people come and go, I’ve gone through the hell of seeing someone you love and care about deeply leaving their mortal form and joining the Lord above.  After seeing my mother, father, and grandmom died, of all people, I should know how painful it s losing someone.

Yet again, life moves on. Trust that things happen for a reason. Those reasons may be hard to understand but it’s always God’s way of making us better and stronger people.

(To Tj, if you’re reading this. Be strong. God is good and He will never forsake you. Trust that it is His way of making you stronger. No matter what happens, I am just here.)

A few friends gave me the impetus to write about goodbyes and a James Blunt song (Goodbye My Lover) made me think about closures (or the lack of it). For some reasons, the thought co-existed with the burning melancholy soaking my soul, and the pain it reminds me of made me sink deeper.

In my life, I passed by a couple of relationships. I saw the uncanny way love blossoms, blooms, wilts, and dies. I’ve hurt some people, and I have felt pain too. I walked out of some lives – by choice and by force. And I witnessed how one or two walked away from me – without looking back. The experiences I had made me attempt so hard on avoiding the words “goodbye”, “farewell”, and “the end” treating them like plagues. And the pain made me understand why people in relationships tend to do the same.

There was a point in time that I have lost a love so deep that I can literally felt the pain of the break-up creeping in my veins. I nearly destroyed myself at one point in time, thinking that life will never be the same without that person. During that time, I felt like my soul died. I lost my soul on my own labyrinthine maze, and I allowed it to drift on an endless ocean of tears and misery. Until one hand pulled me up and carried me home. It was when I realized the truths about goodbyes.

I learned that goodbyes are designed to complete us and not to break us. The irony of it is that we focus so much on the pain, on the delusion that the person and the love he gave was something worth keeping, and we failed to realize that the gift of separation means that they have done their mission – that is to touch our lives and teach us life’s lessons. I learned that goodbyes is a way of God to make us stronger, make us realize the things that we have to improve on, make us strive harder to become a better person – as He wants us to prepare for that something big that He has in store for us.

Gibran once said that “pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”. And indeed it’s true. The pain cracked me, and made me see the person that I wanted to be, it made me see the person that I am. And thus, the pain allowed me to rise and struggle to become one with myself. I stopped complaining (at least, most of the time) and learned to accept that things are just not going to work the way they are supposed to. And no matter how much we try to keep them, people will play a role in our lives, but they are not always designed to stay.

It is really hard to look at goodbye on that perspective, I know. But that is one esoteric truth on human existence, and we cannot change that. It is the way it is supposed to be.

Closures. I hate the feel of the word. I saw how people craved for this, especially for people who left a relationship hanging. People who had been with open-ended relationships sought it, as they thought they needed it for them to be able to move on. But I think otherwise.

When the person stopped caring, when the person stopped loving, when the person walked away – we should call it the end. They left you hanging because they could never be brave enough to end it themselves. Yes, it would hurt for a while and would make you feel lied to and cheated on, because closures are designed that way – to inflict more suffering and more tension to the human emotions. These people leaving should be enough reason for us to figure out that they have done their part in our self-realization. And we do not need expose the wounds and hurt ourselves in the process. Set them free. Thank the universe that it happened and pick up your broken pieces along with the lessons you should learn out of the experience.

It is not as difficult as it seems. It can happen to you, the way it happened to me. Acceptance. That’s a start. Accept the reality and accept the situation. Admit to yourself that you made mistakes, and correct them by making sure that you would not do it in your next relationships. Whatever you learned from the person, carry it with you with no remorse. When you accepted it, it will be easier for you to set them free. And since they are the source of your pain, removing them in your life would also make the pain go away.

Do not be afraid of closing doors, nor being trapped in one. Closing doors means a conscious effort of being a better person, and opening closed ones is a way of liberating yourself to become a grander version of who you are. Either way, you have to make a move, just like I did. And with that move, I can never be any more than happy.

© CMN