Posts Tagged ‘sexuality’

Is it fair to seek solace from someone just because someone we love so dearly chose to hurt us? Is it fair to run into someone else’s arms so that we can escape the pain that we feel? If we stay stuck with that someone, is it giving justice to the heart that has been shattered and broken by someone else?

As I am typing this, I can mutter to myself that I know the answer. Two strong letters – NO. I learned this the hard way… Hard enough that I feel like it’s not just my heart that has been broken, it seems like my soul also died when I fell too bad. I learned this lesson mistake after mistake, regret after regret… And no one knows, but everyday, I have to live, to survive; and the memories that I replay over and over in my head help me through each day.

I was devastated and was suffering for two long years, longing for someone I thought will never come back. I eventually learned that the person from my past is happy with someone, and a large chunk of my dying soul knows that I should move on.  And it was four years ago, on this very day, when I sought solace in the arms of someone. It was that long ago when I entrusted him not only a fragment of my heart, I also gave him my freedom. I gave him the gun and allowed him to point it in my head, yet trusted him not to pull the trigger. In all fairness, he was caring. He was responsible, understanding, conversant – he was technically someone I will wish to have with me. There were mishaps, yet, we were able to work things out. He has been supportive, he was my motivator. He was that one person who listens to my crazy thoughts and never judged. He was that one person I know I can always draw strength from. There was even an instance when I was drowning (literally) and he risked his life just to save me. It was one of the best memories I have of the person he used to be.

Four years… I wonder where we are now. I don’t know what happened to us. We eventually ended up living our own lives, chasing our own dreams, thinking about ourselves and disregarding each other’s emotions. I do not know when it started, or how long this relationship (if there is still one) will last.

What ticked me off? Maybe it is him being too controlling. Maybe it was the whole “you-cannot-wear-make-up-and-heels-and-skirts thing” that made me lose myself in the process. I got too comfortable with the fact that I am living up to his standards that I suddenly wake up one day and realized that I no longer can see the person I used to be. I woke up one day seeking for the old persona that was once me, struggling to outshine the version that he made of me. I won this battle against personal pride that I ended up getting promotions in exchange of constantly pushing myself to the limits. What ticked him off? Maybe it was my lack of time, maybe it was my growing desire to improve myself, maybe it is when I talk back in attempt to drive my point, maybe it is about my responsibilities, maybe it is his monster ego… He started going out alone, usually away for most of the weekends which is the only time I can spend with him. He chose not to inform me of his whereabouts. He kept his distance by watching movies alone. Until I stopped asking for him to share those with me, until I learned to spend more time with other people, until I enjoyed the fact that I am being myself, until I realized that I can be happy without him… Until I got used to how he was taking me for granted that I am not looking for him anymore… And right now, there is one thought that we should stop this or else we will end up hating each other…

I wanted to walk away, like I felt when we first realized that we cannot work out individual differences. Then, I was scared that he will not come running after me, so I chose to stay and spare myself the pain. Right now, I do not know whether I stayed because I loved him, or if I just did because I don’t want to be broken again. I found out the answers I was dying for, the truth. The truth that if I run away, he will not chase me, nor follow me… The truth that I am already insignificant. I am not really bothered by that. I have learned to accept  that love fades in time. Maybe his did, and mine slowly falters… That is the way of life and that cycle is something that we cannot stop.

Well, fourth year. In our educational system, fourth year means High School Graduation… Maybe we are just meant to teach each other lessons, and move on from there, living our separate lives. I am lost, really. A part of me wants to make it work still. Yet, I know that I will lie to myself and I will eventually hate him if I do. A part of me just wants to run away, seek my place in the sun, wait for that one soul that my heart is crying out loud for.

For those who know the story, thank you for standing up by me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. For those who don’t and thinks that I am the one at fault, thank you. I can never please people and most of the time, humans have the tendency to hold half-truths and half-lies to be true. Continue thinking that it was me that should be blamed if you want to, but I will never explain to anyone – I seriously don’t have to…

©CCM ~ 26/04/2011

 

He walked towards her nervously.
She stands infront of him,
wearing that smile that mesmerized him years ago – until now-,
her eyes looking at him, boring into his soul.
She walked towards him, his chest heaving, muscles tensing.

Ah – that swing of neck.
The gracious movements of her arms, the sway of her hips.
All takes him back to the days
when she was his.

How long has it been? How many years had he counted?
He could no longer remember.
All he knows is that no matter how long,
his heart still belongs to her, from then until always.

She said hi, and hugs him.
Oh, her voice that seems like muses singing a song of peace,
Her arms holding him makes him cradled by insanity.
He hugged her back, breathing her in.
That sweet scent of warm vanilla fills his nose,
intoxicating him.
She felt so soft and fragile in his arms,
like how she was an eternity ago.

Oh! He missed her.
He missed  her genuine smiles, her soft chuckles, and frantic laughters.
He missed the way she looks at him.
Oh God, he missed everything about her.
Now she stands infront of him, no longer a figment of his imagination.
He can’t help but hug her once more, which she reciprocated.

They sat down and talked, and he can’t help but look at her.
He smiled at her, she took his hand…
At her touch, he succumbed to lunacy.

She kissed him. He kissed her back.
Her soft lips still tastes like aged wine.
He held her close to him, uttering gratitude to the Holy Ghost,
she held him passionately.
Ah – he loved the way his body fit perfectly to hers.
Yin and yang, they are,
as their souls sang in unison and their freedom exalts them to the heights of their passion

They kissed and touched, ravaging at each other.
As if their hunger is insatiable, as if life depended on the other.

Then, in a blink of an eye, she changed.
Her kisses no longer taste of wine, became stale.
Her hugs that cradled his soul seemed distant.
Her movements that seemed were his, became foreign to him…
Everything became different, when reason started to sink in.

He looked at her eyes, they were no longer brown, but green.
In her eyes, he tried to locate the soul who owned his heart,
but she is no longer there.

She looks like her, but not like her.
She seemed like a monster staring back at him –
one that he created by virtue of the pain he caused her.
Deep within the soul were guilt, jealousy, lies.
And as he tried to listen to the beating of her heart, its music is no longer the same.
The thud sounded like anger, of revenge.
The heart that once sang of his name began reverberating someone else’s tune.
She is her, but not her.

Upon realizing that he was used,
that she is gone forever,
he stood up.
Looked at her one last time and wiped a tear from his eyes,
he took steps away from her.

Now he is no longer guilty, as his mistakes were forgiven.
He no longer feels regret knowing that she became someone he can’t see himself with.
His heart can only hope that one day he would find her,
the real her.
Yet again, her hands were also stained,
she gave up and succumbed to the void within her.

He walked away with no remorse now,
because she is her, but not her.

© CMN

~~~~~~~~~
Was he me or was I her?

Author’s note: This poem won “The Celebrate Poet of 2010” via Jingle’s Thursday Poetry Rally. (Thanks Ji, it is always a pleasure.)

Celebrate Poet of 2010


He walked towards her nervously.
She stands infront of him,
wearing that smile that mesmerized him years ago – until now-,
her eyes looking at him, boring into his soul.
She walked towards him, his chest heaving, muscles tensing. 

 

Ah – that swing of neck.
The gracious movements of her arms, the sway of her hips.
All takes him back to the days
when she was his.

How long has it been? How many years had he counted?
He could no longer remember.
All he knows is that no matter how long,
his heart still belongs to her, from then until always.

She said hi, and hugs him.
Oh, her voice that seems like muses singing a song of peace,
Her arms holding him makes him cradled by insanity.
He hugged her back, breathing her in.
That sweet scent of warm vanilla fills his nose,
intoxicating him.
She felt so soft and fragile in his arms,
like how she was an eternity ago.

Oh! He missed her.
He missed  her genuine smiles, her soft chuckles, and frantic laughters.
He missed the way she looks at him.
Oh God, he missed everything about her.
Now she stands infront of her, no longer a figment of his imagination.
He can’t help but hug her once more, which she reciprocated.

They sat down and talk, and he can’t help but look at her.
He smiled at her, she took his hand…
At her touch, he succumbed to lunacy.

She kissed him. He kissed him back.
Her soft lips still tastes like aged wine.
He held him close to him, uttering gratitude to the Holy Ghost,
she held him passionately.
Ah – he loved the way his body fit perfectly to hers.
Yin and yang, they are,
as their souls sang in unison and passion exhalts them to the heights of passion…

They kissed and touched, ravaging at each other.
As if their hunger is insatiable, as if life depended on the other.

Then, in a blink of an eye, she changed.
Her kisses no longer taste of wine, became stale.
Her hugs that cradled his soul seemed distant.
Her movements that seemed were his, became foreign to him…
Everything became different, when reason started to sink in.

He looked at her eyes, they were no longer brown, but green.
In her eyes, he tried to locate the soul who owned his heart,
but she is no longer there.

She looks like her, but not like her.
She seemed like a monster staring back at him –
one that he created by virtue of the pain he caused her.
Deep within the soul were guilt, jealousy, lies.
And as he tried to listen to the beating of her heart, its music is no longer the same.
The thud sounded like anger, of revenge.
The heart that once sang of his name began reverberating someone else’s tune.
She is her, but not her.

Upon realizing that he was used,
that she is gone forever,
he stood up.
Looked at her one last time and wiped a tear from his eyes,
he took steps away from her.

Now he is no longer guilty, as his mistakes were forgiven.
He no longer feels regret knowing that she became someone he can’t see himself with.
His heart can only hope that one day he would find her,
the real her.
Yet again, her hands were also stained,
she gave up and succumbed to the void within her.

He walked away with no remorse now,
because she is her, but not her.

It is indeed melancholy that is cradling me right now. I don’t understand but for some reasons, the URLs of some old blogs came rushing in my head slowly swallowing me whole. I decided to check on them, and was surprised when I saw these poems written for me by someone from my past. As I read each word, old feelings overtake me, and I suddenly find myself crying in pain, knowing that the man behind these words is lost to me forever. The poems bring back painful memories, fragments of a happy past, of a love so deep and true, that I wasted.

(Note: I do not own any of these poems.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts of Love
The sunset has faded once more,
Gone are its radiant hues
That warmed the end of my day.
The darkness of night envelopes me.
The air is still, the quietness of evening deafening.

I sit and ponder the past and question the future.
Memories, thoughts, flooding my mind.
Just like a pond when a stone is cast upon it,
So are the rippling effects borne by my heart and soul.

The innocence of a child’s daydreams
Now are transformed into a woman’s world of
reality.
For so long I guarded my thoughts and feelings
Keeping them locked behind closed doors,
Allowing no one in.
You entered my world and became part of it.
I learned to trust someone as would a child,
And in doing so gave you the key.
A key that unlocked privacy secured for so long.
Fantasies became reality, untapped passions
unbridled.
A tenderness and gentleness I’d never known
Warmed and comforted me.
Finally I knew what it meant to be a woman.

With the dawn of each new day I am reminded
Of the warmth, the closeness we share.

An Angel Cared
Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
Muscles tensing, heart’s wrenching, longing for release
Walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
Frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
All color drains from my world, subtle shades of gray permeate
Broken shards cast illusions, hope falsely propagates
A former warrior, battle tested, I frantically disguise my fears
Resolve dissolves, nervousness abounds as my refuge disappears
As autumn’s cycle nears an end, the ice begins to advance
Stealthily attacking, patiently awaiting for a perfect chance
A frozen heart, desolate and bare, obscures all that would try to see
The warmth reflected, gives off no heat, illusions mask reality
On hands and knees, mumbling pleas, I search for sanctuary
To glimpse beyond this desolation, to a world of possibility
Eyes closed, perceptions peeked, it hovers beyond my reach
A whispered supplication, alone, these barriers I cannot breach
A gentle touch, delicate and warm, I feel her reach for me
Chasing back the shadows, an angel, cradles my sanity
Relaxing, drifting, smiling, I find comfort in her embrace
My savior and redeemer, a sassy smile upon her face
I close my eyes and search within, I’ll trust my instincts this time
I feel a heart of gold as her passion’s unfold, a beauty so sublime
Peace radiates from her body, a warmth soaks into my soul
A smile reflects a love so deep, my heart I cannot control
Illusions shimmer and are gone, my world is bright and true
Spring marches forth with determination as my life begins anew
To pass beyond is what I sought, but dreams do not compare
To the reality of this wonderland graced by an angel so fair
Dreams shared, rendezvous dared, we joined together as one
The bonds of my enslavement have been lifted, my battle finally won
No regrets can be found, my reflections bring no remorse
Love that binds, as the tendrils climbed lead me down this course
Peace and comfort fill my soul where once only chaos dared
Now love emanates, peace radiates, because an angel cared

As Days Flew By
The very first time I saw you,
Was special how we met.
You took me by complete surprise.
I knew my heart was set.

As days flew by, we talked again,
But you never seemed to care.
I tried my best to help you out,
By a favor here, or a favor there.

Although I made a fast approach,
Our friendship grew and grew.
I realized how deep I cared,
But the feeling I felt was new.

In time I became attached to you.
From a hug, I wouldn’t let go.
I soon saw how close we were,
And the feeling was good to know.

For you, I wrote sweet letters and songs.
You were on my mind all day.
The thought of sleeping was nowhere near,
Unless I knew you were okay.

It hit me then, what I was in –
A unique and precious love.
For the person I said was only mine,
Was an angel sent from above.

The minutes without you turned into days,
And the seconds with you flew fast.
I could only wish to see you more,
And make each moment last.

The times I spent with you,
Were what made my heart complete.
I knew one thing for sure,
Without you, my future was obsolete.

And now, we love just the same,
As it doubles day by day.
I stare deep into your precious eyes,
Yet I’m still speechless to what I should say.

With you, I’m in a whole new world.
You bring out the best in me.
It’s hard to picture you not there,
When you taught me who to be.

Yes, the road ahead gets hard,
When things may only seem rough.
But because you and I try so much,
We’ll stay strong and get by tough.

Though problems may lie ahead someday,
And either of us could be right;
I promise to always be by your side,
And I promise my heart, so hold it tight.

And so, each night, beside my bed,
When there’s only bright stars to see;
I pray that we may never give up,
And will always remain you and me.

Where is My Lovely One?
With her smile and swing of neck,
back – look as goodbye,
steals the evening joytrail.
Like a plane in the sky,
to holiday, summer away.
A clear blue sky
in the summer evening.

Where does she move and how?
When she goes to someone else
does she move like that too?
or do they see that.

It is a lovely thing to fall,
fall, fall in love.
in love with a girl,
enchanted lips of smiles,
and happy eyes of light,
not even Anthony saw in
Cleopatra this shine.

Twenty seven kisses,
for twenty seven days,
of this months meeting,
in her arms, empty and emptied.

Twenty seven roses for my love.
Love, a prism of crystal light
a rainbow through a glass
refracting colour light, bright.

Ah my lovely one, .
of twenty seven kisses,
of twenty seven roses,
and will she think of me?

Will she think of me
after the perfume waft has faded,
and I a shuffling slow breathless
and no longer handsome.

Will they be pressed twist pages
where this poem rests,
close to our breast.

For love is not foolish,
nor do roses fade.

The Proposal
A soft breeze gently rustles
the golden leaves that have fallen
scattered about,
below the twisted grey branches
of the tree
from which we used to swing.

Our names, carved by the hand
of this tenderhearted young boy,
still echo love,
of youth and of each other.

I now take your hand in mine,
and beneath the shadow of this tree,
a testament and reminder of our love,
I ask that we never allow it to fade
into the grayness of those limbs
or to dry and crumble like the leaves
that have fallen to the ground.

But that we allow it to grow
ever upward, and to be strong,
as the trunk of the great tree itself
that bears the evidence of this great love,
which beneath its arms began.

Just There
Where you were,
I did not see you.

So close to me,
but yet so veiled.

Quietly you waited,
upon my invitations;
but still, somehow,
I failed to note

of you, yearning
to be with me,
but finding
just

a void.

So sadly,
you retreated;
bowed, dejected.

Finally when I knew
of you, your devotion,
so foolishly I did feel,
like a simpleton.

For I had looked
so very hard for you,
up/down/everywhere.

but I just did not looked
clear, in front of me,
where you were

. . . just there.

– RKAM

A few friends gave me the impetus to write about goodbyes and a James Blunt song (Goodbye My Lover) made me think about closures (or the lack of it). For some reasons, the thought co-existed with the burning melancholy soaking my soul, and the pain it reminds me of made me sink deeper.

In my life, I passed by a couple of relationships. I saw the uncanny way love blossoms, blooms, wilts, and dies. I’ve hurt some people, and I have felt pain too. I walked out of some lives – by choice and by force. And I witnessed how one or two walked away from me – without looking back. The experiences I had made me attempt so hard on avoiding the words “goodbye”, “farewell”, and “the end” treating them like plagues. And the pain made me understand why people in relationships tend to do the same.

There was a point in time that I have lost a love so deep that I can literally felt the pain of the break-up creeping in my veins. I nearly destroyed myself at one point in time, thinking that life will never be the same without that person. During that time, I felt like my soul died. I lost my soul on my own labyrinthine maze, and I allowed it to drift on an endless ocean of tears and misery. Until one hand pulled me up and carried me home. It was when I realized the truths about goodbyes.

I learned that goodbyes are designed to complete us and not to break us. The irony of it is that we focus so much on the pain, on the delusion that the person and the love he gave was something worth keeping, and we failed to realize that the gift of separation means that they have done their mission – that is to touch our lives and teach us life’s lessons. I learned that goodbyes is a way of God to make us stronger, make us realize the things that we have to improve on, make us strive harder to become a better person – as He wants us to prepare for that something big that He has in store for us.

Gibran once said that “pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”. And indeed it’s true. The pain cracked me, and made me see the person that I wanted to be, it made me see the person that I am. And thus, the pain allowed me to rise and struggle to become one with myself. I stopped complaining (at least, most of the time) and learned to accept that things are just not going to work the way they are supposed to. And no matter how much we try to keep them, people will play a role in our lives, but they are not always designed to stay.

It is really hard to look at goodbye on that perspective, I know. But that is one esoteric truth on human existence, and we cannot change that. It is the way it is supposed to be.

Closures. I hate the feel of the word. I saw how people craved for this, especially for people who left a relationship hanging. People who had been with open-ended relationships sought it, as they thought they needed it for them to be able to move on. But I think otherwise.

When the person stopped caring, when the person stopped loving, when the person walked away – we should call it the end. They left you hanging because they could never be brave enough to end it themselves. Yes, it would hurt for a while and would make you feel lied to and cheated on, because closures are designed that way – to inflict more suffering and more tension to the human emotions. These people leaving should be enough reason for us to figure out that they have done their part in our self-realization. And we do not need expose the wounds and hurt ourselves in the process. Set them free. Thank the universe that it happened and pick up your broken pieces along with the lessons you should learn out of the experience.

It is not as difficult as it seems. It can happen to you, the way it happened to me. Acceptance. That’s a start. Accept the reality and accept the situation. Admit to yourself that you made mistakes, and correct them by making sure that you would not do it in your next relationships. Whatever you learned from the person, carry it with you with no remorse. When you accepted it, it will be easier for you to set them free. And since they are the source of your pain, removing them in your life would also make the pain go away.

Do not be afraid of closing doors, nor being trapped in one. Closing doors means a conscious effort of being a better person, and opening closed ones is a way of liberating yourself to become a grander version of who you are. Either way, you have to make a move, just like I did. And with that move, I can never be any more than happy.

© CMN

♫♪ “Fear of rejection kept my love inside… ‘Cause I’ve got no fear of losin’ you, you can’t lose what you never had” ~Westlife ♫♪

He is a happy person who radiates a feeling of warmth to people around him. At least, that is how I see him. We have been in the same workplace for more than two years, spent some time together out of work, and we even have moments wherein we would just sit down and talk about anything that we can think of. During our low moments, when he says he is there, we know for certain that he is. I like him being that way. Not until he fell in love (at least, that is how he call it). It could have been easy for us to push him to chase that person’s attention. But he is not the straight guy (believe me, if not for his bright yellow skinny pants, you would not figure it out) and he fell in love with a guy. He suddenly changed. His smiles are not as sincere as they were, his laughters somehow sounds fake, and he is wearing this mask all along. Maybe it is my sensitivity to people which made me distinguish the uncanny state that he is in.

One thing I know is that he is in pain. They are not friends (acquaintances perhaps, but when I say friends, I am talking about something deeper), but they know each other. They are Facebook friends, but they never exchange a single form of interaction. Yet, he feels pain every time he sees him. Pain maybe because he knows that liking that person meant that the feeling would never be reciprocated, or maybe because he is afraid of being rejected. Or moreso, he is afraid that when he finds out, the next thing he would get is the who-are-you type of treatment from the person he likes. We once told him to go take the risk, let him know and be ready for the consequences. But then, while writing this and putting myself at his shoes, I suddenly realized that it is indeed hard for him.

How would you look at someone straight in the eye and tell that person you love him while at the back of your mind you know that he wanted someone who is 100% different than you are? How would you tell someone how you feel without worrying if he would laugh at you, much worse, ignore you? How would you tell yourself  that you can take the risk and live with the consequences when in reality, just the thought of losing him drives you crazy? Would you face the aftermath? Would you chase the feeling? Now, those are questions I even had a hard time answering. And let us face it, we cannot push him to risk it all. The only thing he can do is change the way he feel about the situation. Go out there and be thankful that he happened in his life.

I know that he will eventually read this and I don’t know what his reaction would be. After my attempt to understand what could have possibly been the cause of his unusual behavior,  I began to see things I haven’t considered before. Now, instead of teasing him how a scaredy-cat he is, I would just keep my “words of wisdom” (as he calls it) plain and simple. “Savor the moment while it’s there in your heart and be thankful that it happened. Yet, there are perspectives that he needs  to think about and in my attempt to keep it plain and simple, see the list below.

> Love is not just because you find the person attractive and ideal. It is also about embracing one’s imperfections and coping up with one’s “being human”. – I know it sounds cliche. I have read this a million times before. But its true. We can never say we love someone if all we feel is just some sort of physical attraction. Remember that love is not just about how you two look good together, its also about feeling so right for each other, despite the smell of his feet, the way he farts, and the funny sound of his burp.

> It is a part of human nature to want something we can’t have. – Do you really want to be with that person or do you see him as a challenge? A trophy you can be proud of. (I  know that it is the former, but we can’t stop people from believing it’s the latter).

> Love all you want, but leave some fragments for yourself. – When love fails, at least you have little seeds of love you can plant and nurture.

> We tend to love, then hate the thing we love the most. Destroy it, then love it again. – Enjoy the feeling and don’t let it change you. Because when the day comes that you realized that you fell so much in love with the idea of being in love, you would alter your behavior that would thwart the real you.

> Things happen for a reason, people are brought to your life so they can serve a lesson. – That is one thing that would be very difficult for you to fathom. Just always remember that God speaks to you in all ways possible, so be open to whatever things would transpire as it is surely a way for God to mold you to become a better person.

Maybe, it is not just him who is experiencing a love that they cannot seem to have. We all passed by a stage in our lives when our northern star seemed unreachable. The lesson is, listen to the experience and trust that it will mold you to become a better person. Do not hold back, love all you want. Never expect. Just be thankful that it happened to you and make the most of it.  As I close, I think about what the song is all about… Maybe it is what cripples us from loving and enjoying the feeling, FEAR. Again, if we love someone and the person rejects us, it doesn’t mean we lost the person. The person was an instrument for us to feel how wonderful what love is. Them stepping in our lives is enough for us to tell ourselves that we can keep them (maybe not physically, but the lesson they gave and the part they played) in our lives.

(This part goes out to you, my dear friend:) I know you are hurting, I could feel it. But you can always look at things in a different perspective, and eventually, you can change what you feel about your situation. You said you know you don’t have the right to be hurt since he is not yours anyway. By all means, you are rightful of the feeling,- whether that may be love, joy , or pain – it is for you to own. No one said it is wrong. We are just here.

© CMN